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of my insanity in all its forms, is certainly a gift that i desire. having the FAITH that i may happen is something i truly lack. oh i say all the correct phrases and go through the motions, acting as-if this is something that may actually happen, but all of that is just being superstitious and does not have the force of conviction behind it. i know that is a bit disconcerting to my peers when i share that kind of stuff, for me however, it is insane not to share. i have uncovered the fact that in my recovery journey, anything and i mean anything, that i keep from my peers, creates all sorts of unacceptable consequences for me, myself and i.
over the course of the past few days, some things that i had not been paying attention to, have definitely changed. i was surprised that of all the “friends” and people my friend and sponsee has had in his life, only me and one other chose to show up. it is sad to see that his world has been diminished to that extent and it make me think about my own. am i truly maintaining contact with my peers and the program in general? is my lack of FAITH a symptom of something else? is it merely another manifestation of my deepening spiritual connection to my spiritual path? do i even need to wonder? questions, questions, questions and no solid answers, life is certainly filled with that sort conundrum.
what i do “know” is that i have been relieved of the insanity of the obsession and compulsion to use drugs. i have relieved of the insanity of believing that i could not take care of myself, physically or emotionally. it is true, that outside influences altered my path in both of those respects, but once my life had taken a new direction, i saw the sanity in continuing to maintain my momentum. this morning, as i prepare to step out into this dark and cold morning to maintain my physical self, i can see that i certainly have has sanity restored in this instance. i may be a bit obsessive about exercising these days, but at least i do my best to balance between strenuous and not so strenuous activities.
just for today, i see that what i once believed was sanity was in reality totally nutz. i can also see that i do not necessarily need to have FAITH that i will be relieved of my insanity, all i have to to is listen and watch for the opportunities to arise to choose a more sane direction. IF i am present for what is going on in my life, i will get what i need and the “push” to change my velocity to something more sane. so i guess in the long run, i do have a bit of FAITH in thois regard, no matter how hard i attempt to deny it! 🤭

∞ DT ∞