Blog entry for:

my connection to others, is certainly a topic worth exploration this morning. this morning i decided to get this little exercise done, before taking care of my daily physical exercise routine. over and over and over again, i have been told that i NEED to do this or that and that my recovery was dependent on others: my friends, my peers, my acquaintances and my family members. over and over and over again, i resisted the notion that i required anything from anyone else to get clean and stay clean. i was “strong” enough to wrestle my “demons” into submission. i mean i did succeed at that for the first eighteen months of my clean time, remaining abstinent, against all odds, but even though i was “strong” enough to resist temptation, due to the influence outside agencies placed upon me, i was far from content, serene or sane. in fact i was on the verge of using again, because i had come to the conclusion that staying clean was not paying off. when i finally surrendered and sought the help and support i so sorely needed, i was aghast at my own willful, stubborn intransigence. today, as i look back to those times, i know that was just what i needed to find my place in the fellowship.
today, i know where my talents lie, and it is not at the level of committees in the service structure. it is actual one-on-one interaction with those addicts who are seeking more, regardless of how long they have been clean. having been to the bottom of the service structure with the conscience of my region, i know that at times, i have been far from one who created harmony in my service efforts. i no longer wish to be the one who “stirs the pot,” but if called upon, i will gratefully serve in any capacity that is required. step work, clean time and experience have taught me to listen more, speak less and allow others the opportunity to succeed or fail on their own time, according to their perceptions. when i am asked i will provide whatever experience, strength and hope i may have as advice, but i no longer pour it freely to anyone who stumbles across my path.
today, i exist in harmony, most of the time, with my peers, because i have once again become teachable. today, i want to hear what others have to offer me and implement their suggestions into my life. i may no longer live in a “work the steps or die Mo-Fo,” paradigm, but it does not mean that my recovery process is any less urgent or necessary, it just means i have found the ways and means to live a program that is in step with my peers and just for today, i am grateful i have others in my life as part of the connections i have formed, since i finally accepted how powerless i am over addiction.

∞ DT ∞