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restore me to sanity. certainly a number of ways i could go with this, this morning. yes i have the ability to take this many different directions, but in all likelihood i WILL only go down one path. this whole notion of “has the ability to,” versus “is certain to,” has always plagued, myself and many of my peers. just because the POWER that fuels my recovery has the ability to retire me to sanity, does not necessarily mean that it is certain to happen.
i just got off the phone with one of my peers, and ironically what i heard was their dealing with the insanity of relationships, namely the expectations they place on others. once upon a time, not even that long ago, i had to look at my insanity around what i expect of others in my relationships. when i got to the rooms, i was certainly broken. i had chased away, alienated and used up just about everyone in my life. i had come to believe that they were are all part of a conspiracy against me, and even when i could not do my job, not for lack of skill, but for lack of the desire to do so, i EXPECTED to keep my job forever. after all, do they not know who the FVCK i am? more than once that attitude pervaded my life and if one had asked me if i saw the insanity in that sort of belief structure, i would scoff and say of course not, and go on through the litany of rationalizations and justification that allowed me to freely live as that sort of person. i was ENTITLED to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, as well as a warm place to live, food to eat, a job that paid me well and the freedom to get high every single day, with impunity. a structure of beliefs based on that notion, certainly sounds crazy insane to me today, but i could not see it way back when. even today, i am apt to fall back into that old trap, as i know how comfortable it once was to live in a world where i had to take no responsibility for who i was and what i did.
back to the notions of has the ability to and is certain to. when i worked my first set of steps, i came to believe that i was certain to be restored to sanity. the evidence of that belief was all around me. my peers and my predecessors, had jobs, families, material possessions and live s beyond using, so i expected all of that to come true for me. my thinking had been altered slightly, but insides had changed very little. the personality change of STEPS SIX and SEVEN failed to take hold, and although i began to take a bit of responsibility for my , it was fleeting and on a very superficial level, although i made it look like, i was taking the steps necessary to be responsible. i was a child playing an adult in a room full of recovering addicts. i came to believe that all that i saw others having, were to be mine as well, all i had to do is ask for it in prayer and BOOM, there it would be, and that insanity played out in my life for the better part of two years. yes i was certainly restored to a different level of sanity, it was not everyone else's fault, but it still was not mine, it was the disease of addiction and what that MADE me do.
time clean, step work and allowing myself to come to believe in a spiritual path that works for me, has changed that as well. i have certainly been restored to a sanity i do not ever believe existed, and that restoration is ongoing. somewhere down the line, the notion that i may not be responsible for my addiction, BUT i am responsible for my recovery, and all its implications, finally took hold and here i am today, thinking about what has happened as a result. i am certainly more sane than when i walked into the rooms, but i am unsure if i am truly sane by anyone else's definitions, and truthfully i do not care. what i do know, is that when the obsession to use left me and i decided to live this program, to the best of my ability, all that other white noise and chaff, slowly sloughed off and blew away. today, i can walk forward into my day, confidant that if i keep doing what has got me here to today, i can be a better man that i was yesterday, and maybe even better tomorrow, just for today.

∞ DT ∞