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as i know they are indications of my restoration to sanity. son insanity is certainly doing the same things and expecting different results. this reading reminded me that in have some unfinished business that may need to be addressed on later this week. there is a relationship that i petulantly stepped away from a few days back, well actually more than a few days, but let me just say, that when i walked away from it, i was certain that i would NEVER be going back. the end result was that i looked at a bunch of relationships and changed some of the ways i choose to serve the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living. i could and did those results on that failed relationship, although i see today, that it was time for m to change how i served, and that direction was being screamed at me at every twist and turn. what in the world does that have to do with sanity? well, there is a desire within me, to renew that relationship and i may be provided the opportunity to do so, later this week. i was given some grace the last time i had this opportunity and had an exit strategy provided for me. that may once again happen, but i am not counting on that. so over the next few days it will be up to me, to inventory my feelings and see if i can start building this relationship from the ground up.
it would be insane to jump back into it, without any preparation and without finding out what my expectations are. it would also be insane to expect someone to change who they are to accommodate my feelings and desires. so the quandary is that if i am walking into a lion's den, am i prepared to face the consequences? can i ask someone to change their behavior? can i allow mine to be changed as well?
i know that this is a program of behaving better to change my thinking. sometimes acting as if is more than enough to get me through the hassle and hustle of change, as if i do something enough, i just may become habituated to that action. of this i am certain, i am no longer sick enough to volunteer to be a victim of disrespect or placing myself in a position of being less than anyone else. IF i move forward it will be as an equal or not at all. it is as simple as that, and the POWER that fuels my recovery will GIVE me what i need to carry out that task, of that i have FAITH. just as i keep telling my sponsees, once i make a decision than it is up to me to commit to that decision, even when the going gets tough, especially in the arena of human relationships. it is no longer okay for me to accept or expect anything less from myself.
is any of this a sign of a restoration to sanity? well that is hard to tell, as in this facet of human existence, before i came to being in recovery, i never did relationships very well, so as the jury is still out, i will wait for the verdict to be returned. i do know this, the POWER that fuels my recovery has put something on my heart and as the time approaches i will know what to do, if i listen to that guidance.

∞ DT ∞