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it may be tempting to believe that i am doomed to repeat this behavior for the rest of my life. quite a neat trick if i can manage it, after all, if it come down to being DOOMED, then i am POWERLESS, so i might as well let go and act out insanely as i can always blame something else, the insanity caused by active addiction. in fact, i have even heard this in the rooms from members who have more clean time than me. of course, they are far more sophisticated than coming right out and saying it, they rely on clich&ecute;s like ‘some are sicker than others;’ or ‘active addiction damaged me so bad that i…’
realizing that i also could use this as an out, or a loophole to justify my sick and undesirable behaviors and acts is quite relief and would provide for an easier softer way of living. now the responsibility for my recovery shifts on to a HIGHER POWER and off my back and shoulders, all i have to do is wait. while i am waiting for my recovery to come, i can act as sick and twisted as i want to be, after all it is not my fault!
as comforting as that piece of sophistry seems, i can also see that at least for me, it would be destructive and more than dangerous. although i have great FAITH in a POWER that can restore me to sanity, and there is quite a bit of evidence of that in my life, i am also a believe in taking constructive action to foster that process on. in other words, i assist the POWER that keeps me clean in the process of restoring me to sanity by living a program of active recovery. that means: i use the tools i am given, i do my best to be present in the here and now and i take responsibility to do the next right thing, accepting the consequences when i choose not to. all of this is a choice i make each and every day. i understand that i am insane, and i also understand the path to sanity lies through a HIGHER POWER, who i have found as a result of living a program of recovery. i can always choose to act insane at any given moment, BUT i cannot abdicate my responsibility like i could in early recovery, as i am no longer that man, today i have choices that i lacked back in those days. the choice i have been given and continue to receive come from the source of my ever increasing sanity, if sanity is a quantity that can be measured. perhaps it really is, a quantity that is, i act more sanely than i did when i was using. i act more sanely that i did in my first 30 days. i act more sanely that when i was self-sponsoring. in all of those moments, i was incapable of seeing how insane i was behaving. i am certain that someday, i will look back on today and be amazed of how insanely i am behaving today. that is of course, if i continue to choose to live a program of active recovery. day by day. i can share a bit of my current insanity with all of you though. i have just come to the realization that with one of the men i sponsor, it is my responsibility to remind him that he does have a choice each and every day, to make decisions that are healthy for him. i cannot make the choice for him, but it is my job to remind him that he has the power to choose and to stop abdicating that power. he likes to believe he has power, just like i do, so anywhere i can show him he has power, is one more place that i, too have the power to choose to allow myself to be restored to ever increasing sanity. that is after all, one of the rewards of being in recovery.
so down to the dungeon for a bit of sanity on the elliptical machine, after all, if i want to be healthy, i have to make healthy choices, and for me that physical health is as much of a part of my recovery as spiritual health. it was part of my restoration to sanity that has built into me, the need to be more physically and spiritually fit than i was yesterday.

∞ DT ∞