Blog entry for:

begin to understand that even my peculiar brand of insanity is nothing in the face of this POWER. although this morning, the descent into my brand of insanity starts, like usual, with comments on stuff i was a witness to, yesterday. over the past few days, there has been a return to the rooms of members with brief relapses. for the most part, they called a spade a spade, to lean on a cliché however, into the rooms crept one of those feel-good, self-assuaging treatment terms. one of members of this mini-parade, said that they had lapsed. not relapsed, not used, not went out or one of the hundred other terms for failing to abstain from the use of drugs no matter what. i remember thinking, when i was in treatment, what a convenient term lapse would be. i was certain that when i used, i could just go to my probation officer and say, “Ramona, it was a rough weekend, so i had to lapse by …”
after all, i am just an addict, and that is what addicts do, we use!
my first sponsor, quickly disabused me of that notion. he was like me, and believed the language i used to describe myself and my actions was nearly as important as the actions and behaviors themselves. he taught me, that when i spin or try to hide something being a smokescreen of spiritual camouflage, i was giving myself permission to continue doing or thinking, whatever it was i was trying to hide. even though in his fellowship they do not use the term reservation, he was introducing me to that concept, long before i actually understood what it was about.
as i stay clean and do my best to live a program of recovery, i see that reservations, of any sort, are just symptoms of my insanity. i can tell you this without any problem, any notion i have to soften the blow of me using, is just that part of the insanity that is currently manifested in my life. for me, sanity is binary in this respect -- i am clean or i used, PERIOD.
that is not to say that there are not other examples of insanity in my life, that are far from binary in any respect. i am truly amazed on a daily basis how crazy i can actually be and what is really amazing is the areas in my life that i am the most nuts about. i want what i want, and there are days that i will stoop to anything to get it. that is the remnants of the insanity of getting and using and finding the means to get more. i more than suspect that when i drill down, i find that almost all of the the insane thoughts, behaviors and actions i demonstrate on a daily basis, are part of the part of me i call ADDICTION. if i truly believe that, than the only path to any sort of sanity in my life is the 12 STEPS and a daily program of recovery in my life. so the question boils down to:
DO I WANT TO BE SANE?
the answer, right here and right now, is YES! that means that i need to hop into the shower and get moving southwest to earn my daily bread, carrying with me, the principles that make this seemingly normal looking life possible for a sick fVck like me. it is after all a good day to step into a bit of sanity.

∞ DT ∞