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back in the day, i remember being in a state of being, that included the frenzy of unexpressed worry that had built up over the decades of active addiction. namely: “everything needs fixing in my life, and when are you guys going to show me how to get it done! life is not only complicated, i also have consequences, threats and all sorts crap that needed fixing yesterday, and i thought recovery was about getting my life back.”
early recovery felt like a tidal wave of concern and worry, washing over me, and i was quite unprepared for all of that and wanted to do something to fix it. if that was not possible than a fix of something was called for, and pronto! time and steps, have mellowed all of that, and like the 80's meme, “don't sweat the small stuff,” i learned that there were things that i could do in a day. there were problems that took days, some that would take months or years, and some that would never be ameliorated. what i HAD to worry about, was HOW was i going to stay clean, just for today AND what could i work on today?
it is not like clean-time, no matter how significant, is any panacea for falling into that thought trap. in fact, clean-time significant or not, presents its own set of conundrums and problems, but today i will only focus on this one. as i was saying before i digressed, clean time and step work seem to remove the focus on the immediacy of this just for today nature of the program. it is true that clean time does speak for itself, and when i actively live a program, those results are evident in my life. honestly most of those ginormous issues i faced when i first got clean have been resolved, and as i lived a program, i learned what was and what was not important. these days, it is hard to remember the panic of those early days in recovery, so i start future tripping and inventorying all my “so-called” problems, and work myself up into some sort of petulant frenzy, which cause s me to shut-down and look for a different solution. than i hear the words i often tell the newer members i sponsor, ringing in my head. “what can you fix today, and what needs to be deferred until tomorrow?”
BOOM, here i am again, and off and running.
is my life worry and stress free? not by a long-shot, and quite truthfully, the problems that i HAD to get fixed in those first days of recovery, have long ago been resolved and my new ones, do not even come close. that is the gift of living a program of recovery, i make fewer issues for myself, and i am better prepared to face those issues life chucks at me today. i do however need to get rolling down the road. it is a great day to be clean and more importantly there are a few things i can FIX today, maybe, if i allow myself the freedom to let go and allow the solution to be presented to me. after all the POWER that fuels my recovery, has not speaking to me yet!

∞ DT ∞