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in my line of work, as i work to create an application for use by the general and not so general public on the web to create something, it goes through testing phases. each phase is labelled after the Greek alphabet. alpha (α) testing means it is ready fro internal testers to put it through it paces, exercising each and every function, looking for bugs, defects and unexpected states. after the the application has run through enough iterations to detect and fix these issues, it move into beta(β) testing, which means a select few of the target audience are asked to use it as they would in real life. of course, more unexpected states are found, and little defects that got overlooked in testing suddenly come to light, as one never knows exactly how a user is going to navigate and interact with a piece of software, until it is actually in their hands.
what does this have to do, with keeping it simple? as i sat this morning, i went into a dream state and actually had a dream, instead of the quiet listening state that i have been striving for, in my practice of mediation in this iteration of the ELEVENTH STEP. this just happens to be version 4.0 for me, as i continue to extend my metaphor, and i certainly am in very late beta testing. i was thinking it was time to do my writing, cal my sponsor and move along, but my experience this morning seems to indicate, not yet. i am not saying that the state i reached is undesirable, i just think i need to do a bit more practice before moving on. in general,, this ELEVENTH STEP has brought about the greatest changes to my program of active recovery and shows me that i need not be one of the sheeple as i move forward in my spiritual program.
once upon a time, what seems a thousand years ago, in versions 1.0 and 2.0, i was one of the crowd. everything about my program, including the nature of my spiritual beliefs, was close enough to the center of the boat, to ensure i could be of one mind with my peers. those versions, such as they were, were exactly what i needed at the time, as i struggled to find my identity as a recovering person. as a result, as i grow through version 4.0, i see how important it is, to allow others, especially the men who call me their sponsor to find their own definition, with or without the struggles that were manifest in mine. on a personal level, what works for others certainly will not work for me, and what works for me? well what works for me, more than likely will not work for someone else. the level of derision and disgust that i was feeling for those i saw “stuck” in the traditional path, is lifting and it more than likely has to do with me identifying the resentments that have formed since my last FOURTH STEP and letting them go. strangely my internal landscape is reflected in my attitudes and felines, even though the objects of those resentments are not part of my daily experience, in fact they are very far out on the margins, showing up now and again to take the spotlight and then fade once again into obscurity. it is comforting for me, to be moving out of that existence on the edges and into the center of the light again, even though i see the light in ultraviolet while my peers see it as white.
so version 4.0, is certainly still in beta. the state i reached this morning may be am unintended feature and i certainly could live with that as part of the package, in fact, when i came back from that state, i not realized i was there, but i felt fuller and more complete, as a result. it felt as if i had “touched the face of GOD,” for lack of a better concept. i did not need a near death experience to feel something outside of me. i do not need the application of chemistry to my mind and mood, to feel a part of something more. and for once, i do need the approval of others to continue exercising this new found freedom. what i do need, is just a bit more practice, a few more days of trying this out, as it were and the acceptance of myself, in this new and improved beta version of my daily program of recovery, it certainly is almost ready fro prime time!

∞ DT ∞