Some memes

of the next moment as it comes was sort of my credo in active addiction. of course, for every rule , there is an exception. when i was using i could pretend to not care about what the next hour may bring, unless of course it had anything to remotely to do with me getting the ways and means to get high. in those instances i was all over every second, attempting to get what i needed in the here and now, no matter the cost to myself, my self-esteem or those around me. in early recovery, however most of that laissez-faire attitude of come what may, changed. in those days, manipulating the justice system, my family, my peers and the world around me to get what i thought i needed, became my raison d'être. the amount of time and energy that i put into appearing as if i was the “model of the recovering addict” left me exhausted and of course feeling more empty than before. those first few years were trying and even though throwing myself into service, helped, it never quite hit the mark. in fact, it was not until last year, when i uncovered who i was not, that i finally started to figure out how to live in the here and now and keep it simple.
i do need to clear up a bit of the hyperbole of that last paragraph. there was not a switch that turned off a little over a year ago. in fact, since i finally accepted i was an addict and actually took steps to learn how to live a program of active recovery, i became less and less concerned about solving that which was not currently on my plate. there is, of course, more work for me to do, with respect of letting go of the future, that is making plans and allowing the results to unfold as they will, but i am better at bit today, than ever before. i am, a bit miffed at myself that i did not write this on Sunday. i am not quite sure how i got so distracted, but it is what it is and i have to accept that the placeholder i put in there, will suffice. this morning as i look to what is really important, missing a day of doing this dump did not kill me, and for once i really do not take on any baggage for being human. as a peer once said, “what anyone else thinks of me, is none of my business.” the irony of the source of that bit of wisdom does not fail to escape me, but i will certainly let that sleeping dog lie.
as i get to the end of what bubbled up from the depths this morning, i know that i am going okay, if i allow the unknown future to take its shape. i can fret, fume, plan and manipulate all that i choose to do, but in the long run, being okay with what is in the here and now is a better policy for this addict. oh yeah, by the way, i did run the Bolder Boulder yesterday and am a bit disappointed with my time: 58 minutes and sixteen seconds. that, of course, is me finding the dark side of all i do and working to minimize my effort. the fact is, at sixty-five years old, after most of a life time of abusing amnd ignoring m,y physical self, i did that deed and survived. i can take that as a win and resolve to do better in the next 10K i choose to run.

∞ DT ∞