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it means powering up.
okay, back to work, car back to the shop, one more trip on the bus. as i sit here pondering the meaning of life the universe and everything, i get the sense that maybe, just maybe, the path i am on is the path i was always meant to be on. that being said, i need to work over the concept of fate and predestination, once again. it is quite a leap of FAITH that somehow the coincidences and missteps that comprised my life before recovery were just the prelude to becoming something more. the ultimate expression of resisting the plan for me, or perhaps the necessary pre-requisites to get to this path. today, i feel a certainty that i am right where i am supposed to be, financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically. that knowledge and certainty is fleeting at times, but it certainly gives me the incentive to continue on this path.
the past five days i have been lazing around the house, doing a bit of a project but mostly doing very little at all. yesterday, i met with two sponsees and ended the day feeling as if something inside has changed. i am not certain if that is just wishful thinking or reality, and right now it is relatively unimportant. what i get when i pause and consider this whole HIGHER-POWERED concept, is that yes i can sense something greater than me, that has an order to IT. in that order, my will certainly plays a part, i can resist or i can surrender. what i have come to realize is that for me, resistance really is futile. the easier, softer path, is to go with the flow and allow what will be, to be.
which brings me to a unrelated thought, if there is a HIGHER POWER working in my life, does there need to be a lower power as well, to use a phrase that a sponsee once coined. in my worldview of the spiritual world, somehow there has to be balance. that might imply a counter force, or as i am now coming to see, the balance is provided by me. i am my own lower power and all my resistance to change and the flow of my life comes from that source. my cosmology need not consist of angels and demons, to provide a balance in that concept. i am my own angel as well as my own demon. the concept of warring parts inside, creating the turmoil i feel from time to time, is certainly an easy way out. as i get further down this path, not this recovery gig, but this discussion of what is, i can now see that the POWER that fuels my recovery is not a duality. IT exists, whole and unfettered by my machinations to get It to fit into some neat package. IT is beyond my ken, and mentally working IT over and over again, really is another exercise in futility.
cleaning up that bit of spiritual dissonance i can move forward in FAITH, at least right here and right now. i can accept that POWER into my life, without returning to my superstitious ways and just be okay. the project i started last week will get finished over the next six days. my job and my career, as well as the financial well-being of myself and my loved ones, will be what it will be, today all i can do is walk in the FAITH, that if i listen and pay attention, i will be given the opportunity to get precisely what i need. it is after all a great day to be more than lower-powered.

∞ DT ∞