β i will look and listen to β
Posted: Fri, May 8, 2015 07:44:43 AM
the experience of others for the answers i need. once upon a time, not so long ago, i was very certain that i knew everything i need to know, to live my life successfully. what was being offered to me in the rooms, was a pile of superstitious claptrap, being fostered by the weak and feeble, failed users of the very thing that kept me sane. today, well today, i am glad i outgrew that very narrow-minded outlook and learned that what i once thought i knew was part of the illusion i created for myself, to protect me from the harsh reality of what i had become.
<cue the swelling orchestra theme of redemption and hope>
last night i had dinner with a friend from high school. he was one of the three people who i actually liked and saw me as a person, at least in my narrow minded perception, and unfortunately when i fled from what i perceived as the the most heinous place on earth, those three relationships were vaporized as well. since i was never going to return to that place, why should i bother maintaining contact with any of those people, regardless of what my relationship was, with them.
i was good with that decision and truthfully i had repressed those memories as i moved forward in my existence, certain that i would never, ever have to trip through them again. well ain't the internet a wonderful thing. a few years back i decided to see who if anyone, including those who were part of what i saw as my problem, would show up on FaceBook. amazingly two out of the three of my friends were there, and i debated several days, before sending a friend request to them, because all of a sudden, i may have to deal with some whys and wherefores, that i neglected back in the day. when i left that time and place, i left them as well, and without much more than a “so long and thanks for all the fish.” no promises of keeping in contact, no forwarding address, and probably nothing but a gaping and howling silence, as that was who i was.
well guess what, both of them accepted my friend request, i had to deal with that part of my past in the FOURTH STEP i finished not so long ago, and my friend Wayne and i finally got to sit down and talk, after the better part of forty years. the memories and feelings that have come as a result of our dinner last night, were not as overwhelming as i once believed, and although i am still dealing with them, i may actually be able to return to the scene of those crimes, in less than a decade.
the topic today, was being teachable, and the time has come to put this all together, as i do have to get rolling down the road as well. so here is the segue choppy as it is. when i thought i knew all i needed to know, i was comfortable with my decisions to leave my friends behind, flushing them down the drain with “those people,” as this is what i had learned to do as a child, because we moved so often. as i grew through working the steps and put the rest of my past in perspective, i had left these years untouched, because i was unwilling to look at and feel the emotions that i successfully froze and buried under the pile of everything. as i grew up in recovery, i heard pothers, who had much worse things happen, share about how they faced those awful and traumatic parts of their past, and survived, in fact became a better person because of putting all of that in perspective and actually putting it behind them. my experience was not nearly as dramatic or traumatic as much of what i heard, so i finally opened my mind up enough to realize that the past would not kill me, but my continuing suppression of it, just might. today i am grateful that let go of my preconceived notions to meet my friend, have dinner with him and his wife, and purchase a song that he wrote and performed.
today, i have all sorts of stuff going on, and i probably need to spend some time letting it all settle, but i am willing to open my mind, and allow that perhaps there is still more to be learned in this experience, all i have to do is listen.
<cue the swelling orchestra theme of redemption and hope>
last night i had dinner with a friend from high school. he was one of the three people who i actually liked and saw me as a person, at least in my narrow minded perception, and unfortunately when i fled from what i perceived as the the most heinous place on earth, those three relationships were vaporized as well. since i was never going to return to that place, why should i bother maintaining contact with any of those people, regardless of what my relationship was, with them.
i was good with that decision and truthfully i had repressed those memories as i moved forward in my existence, certain that i would never, ever have to trip through them again. well ain't the internet a wonderful thing. a few years back i decided to see who if anyone, including those who were part of what i saw as my problem, would show up on FaceBook. amazingly two out of the three of my friends were there, and i debated several days, before sending a friend request to them, because all of a sudden, i may have to deal with some whys and wherefores, that i neglected back in the day. when i left that time and place, i left them as well, and without much more than a “so long and thanks for all the fish.” no promises of keeping in contact, no forwarding address, and probably nothing but a gaping and howling silence, as that was who i was.
well guess what, both of them accepted my friend request, i had to deal with that part of my past in the FOURTH STEP i finished not so long ago, and my friend Wayne and i finally got to sit down and talk, after the better part of forty years. the memories and feelings that have come as a result of our dinner last night, were not as overwhelming as i once believed, and although i am still dealing with them, i may actually be able to return to the scene of those crimes, in less than a decade.
the topic today, was being teachable, and the time has come to put this all together, as i do have to get rolling down the road as well. so here is the segue choppy as it is. when i thought i knew all i needed to know, i was comfortable with my decisions to leave my friends behind, flushing them down the drain with “those people,” as this is what i had learned to do as a child, because we moved so often. as i grew through working the steps and put the rest of my past in perspective, i had left these years untouched, because i was unwilling to look at and feel the emotions that i successfully froze and buried under the pile of everything. as i grew up in recovery, i heard pothers, who had much worse things happen, share about how they faced those awful and traumatic parts of their past, and survived, in fact became a better person because of putting all of that in perspective and actually putting it behind them. my experience was not nearly as dramatic or traumatic as much of what i heard, so i finally opened my mind up enough to realize that the past would not kill me, but my continuing suppression of it, just might. today i am grateful that let go of my preconceived notions to meet my friend, have dinner with him and his wife, and purchase a song that he wrote and performed.
today, i have all sorts of stuff going on, and i probably need to spend some time letting it all settle, but i am willing to open my mind, and allow that perhaps there is still more to be learned in this experience, all i have to do is listen.
∞ DT ∞