Blog entry for:

have yet to be revealed to me. those answers are not in my head, in my writings or floating in the ether that surrounds me. in fact, many of those answers are to questions i have yet to ask. as humbling as that notion may seem to me, it certainly does give me a minute to pause and reflect on what i do know, what i think i want to know, and certainly on what knowledge and wisdom that has yet to be revealed to me. living in that sort of world was not anything i ever believed would happen to me, after all, life held no mysteries when i was using. people were out to get me, and my best course of action was to strike first. i needed to take the edge off every day and getting started with a bong hit or two before my feet hit the ground, made me more social. love was for suckers and vulnerability was for the weak and feeble, so building walls around my heart was the only course of action that made any sense to me. yes, i was a sick pup, a little over nine thousand days ago.
fast forward to a few years later, after treatment and my first set of steps in the fellowship that has become my home. i thought i “knew” what was best for the newest of the new, the men i sponsored, the groups i served in and the fellowship in general. i did my best to “impose” that wisdom and in the end, ended up more confused and resentful than ever. who the F_CK did they think they were, to oppose my will, or even suggest that maybe i was missing some crucial piece of information. since my self-identity was based on my service to the fellowship, i took any deviation from what i saw as “the way” to go, as a personal attack on me and my defenses were on high alert. not exactly the most spiritual manner in which to sere, and i am grateful the fellowship survived my “reign.”
this morning, what i “heard” is that there is more happening than i can ever imagine. there are, however, some facts in my life, one of them is that i am an addict. the second being that IF i want the sort of life i have now, i have to keep living the program, as i am being taught to do. i am sure that i could be abstinent for a minute, if i chose to walk away. i might even be able to use socially for a minute, if i chose to use. all of that may be true, BUT, i am not in any hurry to return to being the miserable person who was dodging everyone, everything and swallowing any feeling that i deemed as unacceptable. to continue on this path, i “get” that there is a shit-ton of stuff i do not know and the the fact that may save my life today, may come from a source that is totally unexpected. that implies that IF i want to continue to live this program, i have to be okay with not knowing what i do not know, asking the questions that may arise and actually listening to the answers.

∞ DT ∞