π i have much to learn, π
Posted: Tue, May 8, 2018 08:07:17 AM
and there is a great relief in making that admission. as the reading says exactly three times, admitting **i do not have all the answers,** is the key to being teachable. i generally do not find the reading redundant. as what is in the seed from the literature is often echoed and expanded upon in the text or what is in the reading is echoed in the closing. although i have read this particular entry more than a few times, this morning the repetition in all three parts of the entry, stood out to me and grabbed my attention and i am not sure why, that phrase bothered me so much. i do know that “knowing it all,” or at least pretending to know it all, is one of the parts of myself that i no longer find useful or desirable.
i know that among my peers, there are a few who have a strong desire to know why they used and go on and on about how a 4th and 5th step process provides that insight. for me, that was once an obsession as well, until i uncovered the fact that why i used was irrelevant and merely a scapegoat for me to blame. why that “knowledge” became irrelevant to me was because i realized that i was looking for a way out of addiction that did not involve meetings, step work, or service. if i could determine the cause of my uncontrollable using, then of course, i could control my using and logically if i could control my using, then i was not an addict. what was the “truth” in that tiny bit of self-knowledge, has led to three more trips through the steps and the starting of yet another journey. what i “know” is more focused on what i do not. i know and accept that i am an addict and that as an addict i used. i “know” as an addict, that i really enjoyed getting high 99.9999% of the time. in this case learning that small fact freed me from the chains of “knowing.”
as i grow in recovery, i have come to realize that the Socratic paradox: “I know that all I know is that I do not know anything,” is a far better manner in which to live, as i was certainly not all that teachable, when i began this journey. in fact if one were to look at my reservations, back in the day, one of the most glaring ones, would have been that i know all that i need to know, after all i made it through forty years of life, semi-successfully. learning that what i do not know, far exceeds what i do know, has allowed me the freedom to move beyond “knowing it all.” of course, than my false humility kicks in and i want to say something such as, “the longer i stay clean, the less i know,” as it sounds oh so freaking humble.
what i do know this morning is that it is time for me to wrap this up, before i start writing in circles, accept the fact that if i want to continue to growing in my recovery, i need to stay teachable and realize no matter how much i learn, there is a whole bunch more that i NEED to learn, just for today.
i know that among my peers, there are a few who have a strong desire to know why they used and go on and on about how a 4th and 5th step process provides that insight. for me, that was once an obsession as well, until i uncovered the fact that why i used was irrelevant and merely a scapegoat for me to blame. why that “knowledge” became irrelevant to me was because i realized that i was looking for a way out of addiction that did not involve meetings, step work, or service. if i could determine the cause of my uncontrollable using, then of course, i could control my using and logically if i could control my using, then i was not an addict. what was the “truth” in that tiny bit of self-knowledge, has led to three more trips through the steps and the starting of yet another journey. what i “know” is more focused on what i do not. i know and accept that i am an addict and that as an addict i used. i “know” as an addict, that i really enjoyed getting high 99.9999% of the time. in this case learning that small fact freed me from the chains of “knowing.”
as i grow in recovery, i have come to realize that the Socratic paradox: “I know that all I know is that I do not know anything,” is a far better manner in which to live, as i was certainly not all that teachable, when i began this journey. in fact if one were to look at my reservations, back in the day, one of the most glaring ones, would have been that i know all that i need to know, after all i made it through forty years of life, semi-successfully. learning that what i do not know, far exceeds what i do know, has allowed me the freedom to move beyond “knowing it all.” of course, than my false humility kicks in and i want to say something such as, “the longer i stay clean, the less i know,” as it sounds oh so freaking humble.
what i do know this morning is that it is time for me to wrap this up, before i start writing in circles, accept the fact that if i want to continue to growing in my recovery, i need to stay teachable and realize no matter how much i learn, there is a whole bunch more that i NEED to learn, just for today.
∞ DT ∞