Blog entry for:

to not know all the answers, as long as i keep asking someone else for the answers i lack.one of the questions i keep asking myself and have yet to pose to calmer and wiser heads, is how do i handle myself with those whom i am having trouble “liking,” in my local fellowship. the fact is, i would do anything to help them stay clean, i would have their back if push came to shove, but when i am interacting with them one on one, i really sometimes, wish i was somewhere else. the reasons for my lack of affection at this level are many, and of course if i was forced to, i could rattle them, off in a manner similar to an automatic weapon, pulverizing their flesh and leaving bloody odds and sods all over the landscape. those reasons, i tell myself are the WHY i do not like them and the inner authority, that is the judge, jury and executioner, reigns supreme and lets me know , ion no uncertain terms, that perhaps a bit of staying away is a good thing, when at all possible. of course, the one authority i NEED to be consulting in the manner, i choose not to ask, after all i am so much better than this petty bullsh!t and i do not NEED to be bothering my sponse with stuff i can resolve on my own.
for a person who once was an authority on everything and whose opinion i valued more than life itself, to find myself at a loss for a course of action, a way out of being a hater, is a tough place to be. what is see, is what i am no longer tolerating within me, and day by day, the feelings of disgust with those bits of who i am today, leak out into the real world and my interactions with others. there is a huge part of me, that wants to retreat back into my shell, leave the fellowship behind and start attending meetings where i know very few people and they do not know me. sort of spread the wealth, so everyone there can see what i want them to, and if i stumble across another peer, that i just cannot like, i can move along to a new meeting. if i keep all of my peers at a cordial distance, than i do not risk being drawn into their drama, or feeling the compulsion to tell someone how they SHOULD be doing it, based on my misreading of a piece of literature.
so i stumble and fumble around, looking for the light switch and i feel better just NOT doing what is my heart's desire, running away from them or filleting them into tiny bite-sized chunks of quivering goo. i wonder and i wander and as the dissonance builds within, i finally become willing to ask the question of someone else, what the fVck is there left to do? maybe today, but certainly not right now. right now, i know the answer to the question of what is the next right thing to do. hop in the shower and head on down to work. it may be my last week at the company that showed me great disrespect, but building trust and gaining the respect of my new company, does rely on my actions over the course of the next seven days.

∞ DT ∞