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i need and how to get them, was never my concern in active addiction. even in early recovery, especially in that eighteen month gap between when i got clean and when i finally accepted that my addiction was something i needed the wisdom of others to live with, i was certain i already knew everything i needed to know. to even suggest that after several thousand days clean that i **know** everything i NEED to know about addiction and the recovery process, is at best disingenuous and at worst flat-out denial, of who and what i am. this morning, as i prepare to go out on my first hike of the season, following the best social distancing recommendations, i come back to the notion that knowing that i do not have the all the answers i seek, is the best course of action for this addict.
the whole concept of remaining teachable is often one i pay lip service to, rather than actually living by it. the trap of living a program for as long as i have been doing so, is that i have been exposed to all sorts of knowledge, wisdom and shared experience, allowing me to lull myself into a smug attitude of “SUPREME” recovery. the true fact of the matter is, i no longer know what it is like to struggle with getting clean, as it has been so long, since i had to do so. i no longer know what it feels like to have the obsession to use, consume my life. sure, i can say i remember, but my memory tends to gloss over the facts of my struggle to arrive in the fellowship that is my life today. the fact that i find myself attending five or six meetings a week and many times being the addict with the most clean time in the room, speaks to the notion that maybe, just maybe, i have stuff i still need to learn from all of my peers in recovery. i need to be reminded of the traps i set for myself, based on knowledge that i think i have already obtained. for that to happen, i need to accept that i am not a source of infinite wisdom or knowledge. for this addict, that is a tough admission, especially given how long i have been living a program of recovery.
ah, now for some good news. i do “know” how to stay clean: just do not use no matter what. my peers have been telling me that since the day i walked into my first meeting, even though i had no desire to stay clean, way back when. i also “know” that if i want to stay clean, i have to accept that i am an addict, just for today. i am not a “grateful, recovering addict” nor will i ever move into that category, as for me, as soon as i start qualifying what sort of addict i may or may not be, i start to differentiate myself from my peers. yes i am recovering today. yes, i am grateful most days. i am, however, just another addict, who needs the Experience, Strength and HOPE of his peers, to fulfill the base requirement for on-going recovery, NO MATTER WHAT! so it is off to Mount Sanitas for a quick trek, to get a different view of the landscape i live in. after that, who knows what this “wellness” day away from work will bring me,. it is a good day to be in recovery and have the desire to stay clean, just for today.

∞ DT ∞