Blog entry for:

of the experience of my friends, my family and my peers, even when i **think** i have the **answer.** one of the **issues i faced when i came to recovery is that i was cock-sure that i knew everything i needed to know. i was certain that this “cult-like” organization had nothing to offer me, especially when it came to living life in the real world. i viewed the members as being superstitious and ignorant and held them and their “precious” spiritual principles in contempt and could not wait until the day arrived when i would be free from them. guess what? that day still has yet to arrive.
yes, ironically, the person who believed he had nothing left to learn about himself and the world around him, has become teachable, most of the time. i still relapse into bouts of conceited arrogance where i believe i “know” what is best for myself and all of those who are in my life, ignoring the fact that i really lack the information to make that sort of judgement. so it goes the battle for understanding is being waged within and the odd part is what i know to be true, that i have much left to learn, is the fact of life i do my best to diminish, dismiss and disregard. yes those are the facts of my life and although that was certainly an entry point into allowing myself to listen this morning, it was not where i ended up.
as i moved into breakfast and coffee, what dawned on me is that those of my peers who seem to be locked into resistance to change, are those that, like me, think they have the “answer.” until they get to a place where the pain of resistance is great enough, they will just keep on doing what they are doing, blithely ignoring what everyone else can plainly see. been there, done that, and yes i have several of the T-shirts! no matter how many times my peers told me that perhaps i was hiding something behind the smokescreen of spiritual camouflage, until i broke through my denial, i just dismissed their comments as jealousy, envy or superstitious ignorance. after all, i had superior insight into who i was and what my life needed to look like. what could have been a very brief stint of obstinate wilfulness, often turned into a journey fraught with peril and bitterness. fortunately, i have pulled my head out of my ass, more than once, to actually listen to what they are telling me and learned a thing or two about a topic i thought i knew everything i needed to know about.
i still may not be the most teachable boy on the block, but i am learning, day by day, to pick this ability up. there are many skills i have acquired since i came to recovery and listening to and accepting what i am being told by my peers, is just one of those. i am grateful that i was just teachable enough to make staying clean and living a program of active recovery part of my life for all these days in a row. with that thought in mind, i think i will get rolling on what they pay me so well to do, i do have some stuff to get done today.

∞ DT ∞