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who do i trust? someone who has lied to me before in the past or someone who has never yet been caught in a lie? an interesting conundrum and one that really does not play well in my little view of the world. admittedly, the answer to that very freaking rhetorical question, is not one that i will stake my life on nor will i use, if i cannot puzzle it out. the honest truth, this is one of those nice to know tidbits of knowledge that create a desire within, but not one of those NEED to know kind of things.
back in the day, long before i learned that i COULD be trusted, this sort of conflict would have resulted in me not trusting a single soul in the world, after all, “everyone lies!” as my time in recovery has grown and i have done the footwork to arrive in a better space, i know that while everybody may lie, i do not need to, and best of all, most of the time i do not WANT to. even though my DESIRE to appear to be better than i am in the eyes of my peers, is at times overwhelming, my DESIRE to be honest can and does win out, and i tell an unpleasant truth. how i see myself and who i think i am is the overarching truth and what others may or may not think, well it is still important but is falling off the hit parade like a feather, slowly gliding down in the priority of the things i need to stress as a person in recovery.
do not get me wrong, it will more than likely be a very long time before i walk through my day without wondering how i look in the eyes of others and acting in a manner to be judged better than i think i am. character defects are never totally gone, but as i get to be more genuine, they began to take less precedence in my life. kind of reminds me of order of operations in mathematical equations: Parentheses ⇒ Exponents ⇒ Multiplication ⇒ Division ⇒ Addition ⇒ Subtraction. as long as i remember that staying clean is the first operation i need to perform, like working from in side the parentheses, all will be well.
as i was composing this missive from the inside, a friend txtd me about something they witnessed as the drove by one of the less than savory locations in my home town. they saw a dead body on the ground surrounded by fifteen cops, and the first thing i asked, was it anybody we know. unfortunately, the circles i travel in today, that is a very apt question. whether or not i know the deceased or not, i know that i too am eligible for such a fate. the only thing keeping me from that seedy location is the fact that i am clean today and generally not habituating places where that fate could be mine. goes to the first order of precedence, stay clean no matter what.
i am also a bit sad this morning, as i did not step up and plan something special for my Mom, today. generally that task was handled by one of my sisters, and with all the changes in the lives of my parent's over the past year, i neglected to do more than assume someone else would take care of bidness for me. today i accept that it was my responsibility to at least step up and see what i can do and i am grateful that i had the presence of mind to roll by and wish my Mom and happy day, yesterday. it is a mixed up sort of day in my house today and if i want it to get better than it is up to me to take care of myself. i really have no excuse and rationalizing and justifying my way to feel better, puts me into the “everybody lies” bucket and just for today, that is not where i want to be.
so off to my next task, finishing my laundry and getting caught up on some things. oh yeah, Happy Mothers Day to all those Moms out there. it is after all, a good day to be clean, even if it it just another “greeting card” holiday.

∞ DT ∞