Blog entry for:

to connection.
it took me quite a long time to feel the desire to be connected to the fellowship. from the very beginning living the lie that i was clean and getting away with it, to the months of my desperate attempts to prove how different i was, even after i finally accepted that i was an addict and started to take my place in the fellowship, i lacked any real connection. in fact, when i started this set of steps, i thought i might be so broken, that i could only form a finite number of connections and most of those were going to be superficial and without any true compassion or feelings. it is quite true, even after some time in recovery, i still felt broken on some very basic human sense. i was afraid that i was some sort of sociopath, because i did not “get” what this connection thing was all about, other than on a very intellectual level. i had learned to emulate it, for most of my relationships. in all but the relationships i had developed with those whom were the very closest to me, it was just that a simulacrum of humanity. being smart and clever, may not necessarily be a hallmark of being an addict, but it was the lessons learned inactive addiction that allowed to appear to be what i was not. it was also true, that living that lie was grinding me down to the place that i thought maybe, just maybe i needed to move to a different fellowship and get a prescription for one of the holy trinity substances that kept me from going completely bonkers back in the day.
this journey to STEP 12 has certainly taken and interesting path. my 4TH Step ended up being all about the crap that happened forty years ago, when i made my first conscious decision to disconnect from the people in the small town in which i landed. amazingly, today i do not want to burn that entire piece of real state to the ground and salt the earth behind me. i am still not well enough, spiritually and emotionally, to return to the scene of the alleged crimes against me, but ironically i feel myself moving, however glacially, in the direction. i have made my peace and reconnected with the one of the few people there, that i could actually be myself with,, back in those dank and dismal days.
part of this journey has also been coming to terms with who i am, and who i want people to think i am. i wanted everyone to think i had this recovery gig going on, and what i have discovered is that all but the newest of the FNGs, could see right through that farce. i wanted everyone to think i was some sort of spiritual giant, and what i discovered, is that although i played that role fairly well, i ended up alienating more of my friends and peers rather than forming any real connections. i discovered to celebrate my cynicism and mt tendency to judge the world around me, but not necessarily share it with the whole world. i learned to just be myself, warts and all, after all, it is not my job to remove any defects of character, that is up to the POWER that fuels my recovery. most of all. i learned to allow myself just to be. just to be whatever it was that i was feeling or thinking. that lesson in and of itself is probably worth a million dollars of talk therapy time in the conventional world of mental health.
today i feel grounded and connected to my fellowship, my friends and family, my co-workers and just to the world in general. it is far from perfect, but it is certainly a start and that start is quite a leap for someone who was as deceitful, duplicitous and cunning as i once was.

∞ DT ∞