Blog entry for:

to life and living -- a program of active recovery. as i sat and **listened** this morning, i kept going back to a few of things i heard yesterday, as i served the fellowship in a manner that i have grown quite accustomed to. the first being how one of my peers, whom i have known for quite some time, finally realized that their “issue” was that they were incapable or unwilling to accept that they were powerless over their addiction. although only one of those in attendance was willing to admit it, i would venture to say, that was the case for most of those in that room. i get and understand that without any hesitation, as it was my story for the first eighteen months or so of my recovery journey and certainly the story between my first meeting and the day i was forced to get clean. as i heard that addict go on about how smart they were, how strong they were and how many obstacles they had overcame in their life, i wondered who the f*ck they were trying to impress. yes that was the judgement machine rolling down the tracks, but when i sat this morning, i finally took a peek at myself and saw myself in them. there have been times in my recovery, when resistance was what i was all about and rebellion against everyone and everything that had to do with recovery was how i behaved. i wanted so badly to be the exception to the rule and be able to “conquer” addiction, even though there was no evidence that was ever going to happen.
his morning as i prepare to face my day, i wonder if that streak of trying to disprove that i am an addict, has really been removed from me, or if this whole thing about smoking and nicotine is just a proxy battle t provide the evidence that i can “handle” this without the help of my friend, my peers, my sponsor and the POWER that fuels my recovery. as i sit here this morning, this i see this as a battle i am losing and maybe the time to surrender is upon me. more will be revealed as i slide on down the road to work this morning. it is a good day to be clean and to exercise a biot of the FREEDOM i have been given, just for today.

∞ DT ∞