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meaning to the life i was given, seemed a small price to pay for the **pleasure** i derived from that next fix. i am not sure if i ever had a sense of purpose or any meaning to my life before i started using, so as meaning is brought to my life, as a gift of recovery, i have to wonder if this is something new or a restoration to a state of being that i **forgot** i once had, in the haze of active addiction. each and every time i work STEP TWO, this type of issue rises to the top of the stack, specifically am i restoring something, or is the gift even more incredible, i am getting something i NEVER had. the question, as rhetorical as it may be, weighs heavily on me, when i get reminded of it and it is not unlike the obsession of some of my peers seem to have about the causes and conditions that led to their active addiction or “why” they used. i gave up on seeking the answers to those questions at least a minute ago, as for me anyhow, they are far from relevant about how i move forward in my active recovery.
this morning, as i took the time to sit and listen, what kept coming back to me was pitch and timbre of a couple of peers who i heard over the past two days. both of them, in my opinion, were in a state of denial about their current state of being. while they certainly were clean, neither of them presented a clear case, at least to my ears., that they were actually in recovery. the closest one of them came to actually owning where they were, was their admission that maybe their trips up to Black Hawk, was actually “substituting” one symptom of addiction for another. even though i have cast a judgement, what i take away from that process is an examination of my life to see if i, too, am walking a path of avoidance of reality that leads to a conscious choice to isolate myself.
all of that leads me to a place of either gratitude for what i do have or disgust about how much further i have to go. do i have meaning in my life? if i considered my life for long enough, could i uncover any sort of “special purpose?” for me, those questions are usually ones i dump into the bit bucket as i “feel” a whole lot more than i know today. i feel that my life has accumulated meaning as i work a program of recovery and i need not intellectualize about what that meaning may be. it could be, that my sole purpose in life is to carry a message of hope to those who are the most hopeless. i know that the message they seem to hear the best, is the one that speaks directly to who i was, how i got here and what has changed since i arrived. i can see g when i start going on and on about how i work a program, rather than the results of what that work has brought to my life. i am grateful that i have peers who live in a pseudo-intellectual world and have to assign causes and conditions to everything, as it saves me from having to go there, once again. there is more to my life these days than what i carry around in my brain and with that thought at the top of my stack, it is time to get going into what i need to accomplish in this day ahead.

∞ DT ∞