Blog entry for:

worst of all, i told myself that there was nothing wrong, even though i suspected that i was desperately ill. so as i sit here this morning, waiting for things to progress down the tube, so to speak, i am struck by how after some clean time, these same symptoms can manifest themselves again, in my life and in the lives of those for whom i care. but this is not about anyone else, just for today, i have decided to let them go, they are not listening and although i do believe that they are worth my love, my attention, my concern and my time, i can only bang my head against that particular wall for so long, before i get the point, what is it our book says?
oh yeah, " an addict who does mot want to stop using will not stop using. they can be analyzed, counseled,reasoned with,prayed over, threatened, beaten, or locked up, but they will not stop until they want to stop."
this could be about the denial structure i had in place, that allowed me to use, and be successful at using, right up to the end, but that is an old, sad story, and one that needs not be repeated today.
no what i heard when i read this particular entry this morning, was about growing some FAITH, that any addict, especially me, can recover by following the direction given me by those who have gone before me. it is especially important for right now, in this phase of my recovery, to remember that i am not unique. i can keep trying to balk at my current assignment, complain about how boring it, and do it technically perfect, and i will complete that assignment. OR i can choose to start to change it into something i can take ownership of and be proud of how i did it. that decision rests on the strength of my FAITH in the program of recovery, i have chosen to follow today. as i sit here and consider all the possibilities for countering active addiction with active recovery, i look to my peers for hope and inspiration.as i start to take ownership of my inventory, i think one of the questions i need to ask myself is, was i respectful of those with whom i interacted today. yes, i know, it is stepping out of the boundaries of the assignment given to me, but i find myself desiring, even craving respect, and how can i expect to be respected, if i am not respectful of others. just pondering how to take ownership of my assignment has lifted a great weight, and i see now, that my problem is not with the questions, it is withing my cranium. i am bored with this assignment, because i choose not to challenge myself. i know based on my history that i could have done thirty nights in a row, without a problem. that is following the letter of the assignment, and as i see it now, not the spirit. in fact that is a manifestation of a behavior that i am quite ready to surrender to my HIGHER POWER -- focusing on the outcome, and ignoring the process. the time has come for me to be become present in this instance and see where it leads me, so i no longer need scorn the lives of others who have what i see as a greater share of the gifts of recovery. there is more than enough of those to go around, and it is up to me, to grab them or not.
envy, isolation, ennui and discontent are the current symptoms of addiction, today i have FAITH that i have the means to relieve those particular symptoms and be more than i ever was. so off to hit the streets and work off the extremely large meal i had the pleasure of partaking in last night.

∞ DT ∞