Blog entry for:

that recovery is possible, and that happiness is not permanently beyond my grasp. okay, this certainly could be a rainbows and daises post, i did pick a seed that lends itself to that. of course i could also turn it on its head and wipe all of that out. which course will i take, well i am not quite sure, so hold this may be a bumpy ride.
as i was talking to one of my peers yesterday, i was struck by the alienation they felt, and asked for the ability to let go of their stuff and not take on any new stuff about it, myself. specifically, i do not want to color my relationship with my peer with any doubt or animosity, because they may or may not be justified in the resentment they are forming. for me, learning to be connected to my peers in recovery, especially in the fellowship i call my home, has moved to the top of my recovery to-do list.the connections i am building today seem to be coming at just the right time, and had i tried desperately to connect the way i am today, before i was ready, i can see the results would have been, well, less than stellar. i would have ended up resentful, angry and seeking something more. for me, i am certain that the end result would have been the spiritual death that is active addiction. i was fortunate when i came to recovery, that years of isolation in active addiction, made me okay with being alone, and as i grow into the man i am becoming, i can connect in a healthy, well mostly healthy way, with my peers and associates in business and the fellowship.
the question still remains, how do i help someone who is struggling with the issue of connection? the answer is am getting is to leave it alone, allow the POWER that fuels me recovery, to provide me with the words and deeds, i need, when the time comes. as always, the hardest thing for this addict to do, is to do nothing. i want to jump in there, get my hands dirty and rearrange everything to present a different picture to my friend and peer. the reality is, that i cannot so i will not do anything here and allow them the freedom to seek their own solution. yes i am incapable of fixing anyone else, just as i am incapable of fixing myself. the only place that has offered me a way out of the darkness of solitude, that i created for myself across the decades of my use, is right here in the fellowship that has been my home since way back when. only here, have i found the path to being accepted and caring about others and not just about how i think they see me. as a result, what has worked for me, is to celebrate my uniqueness, after all, there really is only one of me, BUT to see myself as a part of the tribe, a peer in recovery, just like the newest newcomer walking in the door. i do not need to modify what i call myself with honorifics, adverbs and adjectives, because i am just another addict. i have a social life, within the fellowship and now finally after a few days clean, finally am developing one outside the fellowship. i am finally connecting to a world that always confused me. even though it still confuses me, i see light at the end of the tunnel, and it does not come from anything outside of me. it comes from the POWER that fuels my recovery, and whether or not, my journey to social connection means greater separation form the fellowship or not, i am certain that the path before me, will be revealed as it needs to be.
i do, however, need to start heading out, to earn my keep. after years of isolating in an office at home, it is sort of nice to GET to go to the office five days a week.

∞ DT ∞