Blog entry for:

each day that i practice my program, i strengthen my connection to the world.
although honestly, some days i feel just like running away and hiding in a cave somewhere, proclaiming my vision of how things should be run. today, for better or worse, is not one of those days.
a quick trip back to the start of this whole gig, does remind me that even before i used for that first time and tripped that switch inside, i was not a very connected person. in those days i would rather read or watch TV, rather than be a part of the world, much less connected/ active addiction, just reinforced that behavior to the point that unless i needed something, i let the world pass me by, hoping against hope that someone would reach out, and scorning anyone who dared to.
well as i look up from this task, i noticed that the bus driver went the wrong way on our new route, which is quite an apt metaphor for this connecting to the world gig, i have been learning to do. in the early days i made more than a few wrong turns, even when i had the route sheet sitting in my lap. i ASSUMED i knew what was up, when in fact i did not. the good thing was, those who were part of my life and those who were becoming part of my life, loved me all the same and gently reminded me that i will make more than a few mistakes, that i just needed to hang in there and IF i kept coming back i could GET this.
as i look at my life today and compare it to way back when, i am amazed about how different i have become. this whole working full-time gig, that has become the new standard for me, is one way that the POWER that fuels my recovery is still teaching me how to connect. my fear about be too broken to make any more social connections has proven to be unfounded and just another lie i told myself to keep me from getting any better. the fer i have surrounding the act of looking at a very specific time in my life through the 4TH STEP process, is part of my lingering desire to disconnect from the world. that silly paradigm of you can look, but you better not touch me, is being reactivated by the part of me i call addiction. the GPS of the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery, now warns me when i am drifting off my path or have taken a way wrong turn, and i am certain that if i listen, i will get a message from that POWER, that i can get back to where i need to be going, which is a continuing journey to better connected me, one day at a time.

∞ DT ∞