Blog entry for:

connection to my world by living a program of ACTIVE recovery. yes, if i am honest here, i have been a whiny crybaby overt the past week, as i came to terms with all of my unmet expectations around recovery, my peers in recovery and the shared experience of meetings of this fellowship. there is absolutely no denying that i am the problem, or better put my perception is the problem. what i expected was not that much different from those on the margins who build their cases against the fellowship and against their chances at recovery. my argument was just a bit more sophisticated than theirs and wrapped up in some spiritual camouflage. i certainly can start to see where i am heading and it is the same path that those who have been “around” the rooms take, when they get answers they do not like, namely out the door and back with the “using” crowd, after all, i know how they think and that if i do something for them, i will be OWED something in return. i can tell myself i like“using” better, because i “get” them and even if i do not use, oi can certainly use them, as that is part of the deal. why would i expect such an outcome? well it is, after all, where i came from, way back when.
it is interesting that reading that speaks of isolation and connection leads me back to what has been a maudlin place of “not good enough.” part of the reason for my isolation and the segregation of my life and even my friends into various compartments was to keep the various eminence fronts i had working for me, working for me. the higher, thicker and more impenetrable the border walls were between those various aspects of my life, the safer i felt and the more isolated i became. walking into a place where i was expected to learn to just be “myself,” scared the living crap out of me, and if i HAD a palatable alternative, i would have taken it. the sad truth of the matter was, at that time the alternative to finding my way into recovery and opening my mind was not one i would choose to exercise. yet, i find myself in a similar place, i do NOT want to be judged and i can find a hundred, nay a thousand excuses why i should just quit the fellowship, stop coming to meetings and run on self-will. in fact those same reasons can be used to cut myself off from the connections i have developed and return to the sort of segregated isolation that characterized my life in active addiction.
alright, doom and gloom aside, today, at least most of the time, i am grateful that i have so many people who care for me, and are all in my bidness. i have become accountable to others as well as myself. the move from =isolation to connection has had side-effects far beyond my wildest dreams. the nice part is for the most part i am comfortable with everyone knowing me, knowing who i am, and not having to crouch behind a wall of fear and denial so no one can get to me. this morning, i am at a place of acceptance that those with whom i share my recovery and my life with, are far from perfect. i can also accept that when they judge me and find me lacking, and they will, they too can forgive me for my human imperfections, just for today.

∞ DT ∞