Blog entry for:

worst of all, i told myself there was nothing wrong with me, even though i knew i was desperately ill.
there are a couple of directions that i can go today: isolation, denial, or just alienation. any or all of those topics are ripe for discussion this morning. what i heard when i was meditating after reading this reading this morning was the denial part of the reading. yes i certainly was in denial, to the point that i did not even believe that i was ill. no, it was everyone else who was sick and i was the only healthy and sane member of society, as far as i could see. just a bit of distortion to rationalize my behaviors, feelings and my reactions to the world around me. imagine my surprise when my very first sponsor asked me to defend that belief. i was more than a bit flummoxed to say the least!
these days, i am quite certain that the part of me that i call my addict, is certainly the center of the disease that brought me to recovery and keeps me staying in the rooms. my denial about what and who i am no longer is pertinent. no my denial is a whole lot more subtle these days. i find myself slipping into the belief that, now that i have actually been clean for over ten years, that somehow the circumstance of my surrender have changed. i have evidence that i am no longer powerless over my addiction and my life is not unmanageable, after all, it has been a few days since the last time i used. and that is a dangerous path for me to let myself walk down. the relapse of a member with twenty-one years is finally beginning to percolate up to my consciousness and i see that i am just a susceptible to the same patterns that took him back out. it is that sneaky and subtle denial system that is the problem. yes the symptoms of my active disease have been reduced, yes i have a more manageable life, BUT i am still sick and i still need the CARE of a POWER GREATER THAN ME, to keep my disease in remission. so it is a good thing that perhaps i will be sitting down with my sponsor tonight and seeing where i need to go. the denial system that is active in my life today needs a bit of crunching under the heels of someone who knows me better than i know myself, and that is a good thing today.

∞ DT ∞