Blog entry for:

after a tumultuous sunday, i feel more connected this morning than i have in the past week.
not that i have been out there, i have just not been finding what ui thought i needed in the meetings i attend on a regular basis, and as a result i withdrew my active participation. it is funny how my sponsees seem to mirror my feelings (or perhaps it is i that mirror their feelings). not that i think i have any power over them, but often what they express resonates within me and all of a sudden i realize that we are sharing similar experiences and feelings. but today, i see that my connection to reality, those around me and the events that constitute my world needs to be part of the serenity check i do each night as part of my daily inventory.
will i share at the next meeting i attend? i do not know. but i do know that i have been getting something out of each meeting i went to, regardless of how i felt or what i thought i heard.
i also got another object lesson of the danger of failing to accept the fact that i am and always will be an addict. a friend of mine is fighting for his life down in denver, because he believed that he could successfully use at least one more time. he has been struggling to get this program since i got clean, and it hurts me. perhaps he will finally have the consequence he needs to make the initial acceptance of what this disease is for him, if he survives.
for me, i now know where i would be if i decided that using was a good idea and for today i have decided not to use.
∞ DT ∞