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i cut myself off from the outside world, and i believed i was quite content to be apart from that world.
today, i know that was part of the structure of lies i had built to protect myself from the costs of active addiction, do not get me wrong, i paid those costs, i just twisted those costs to look like they were benefits to me.
isolation meant more for me, not having to deal with others and reduction of the chance that someone could step up and hurt me again. as ideal as all of that sounded in ,y substance induced stupor, it really was not what i wanted. not that i wanted to get hurt, but the cost of not getting hurt was not letting anyone get close. the only way to not allow anyone too get close was to stay away from other people, so the isolation became in active addiction a feedback loop worth cultivating and enhancing. in doublespeak, ISOLATION IS GOOD 'CUZ PEOPLE SUCK.
my illusion of being above the chaos of the real world was fueled by the effects of the substance i was using on my conscious mind, and if i could only stay high long enough, any unpleasant reality that was trying intrude on my fantasy world, would soon stop and allow me to continue living that illusion. fleeting as all that may seem, years of active addiction, actually made it easier to isolate and with draw deeper into the bizarro world that had become my reality. and when i got clean, i doubted i was insane! this is just the tip of the rhetorical iceberg, the real danger for me, is what was beneath the figurative surface. the relationships i so casually tossed. the friendships i walked away from. the people i X&d from my day to day existence, just because they dared to try and reach me and got to close. and yet all of that was good, after all i was a rock and a rock feels no pain.
oh boy, quite the trip down memory lane, looking at it in that sense, i can now see that using did keep my Panic Disorder from manifesting into full-blown agoraphobia. drugs made me social, at least social enough to find the ways and means to get more.
so imagine my shock and awe, when i discovered what social life was like without drugs. if not for the very strong suggestions i received in those early days, to attend a meeting ever day, i am certain i would have ended up as a hermit in my house. even so, there are certainly days when i do not want to step out and see anyone socially or professionally. yet there is hardly a day when i am, not out and about, interacting with that world i viewed so hostilely, way back when. recovery has taught me that i really do not need to allow my anxiety to rule my life. that it is a good thing to be out and about and interact socially with the world around me. and that yes there is always a chance i can get hurt, BUT the benefits of letting people into my life far outweigh the costs, MOST OF THE TIME.
today, i do believe i will be okay reaching out and allowing the rest of the world to reach in. if not, there is certainly a step for that, and i might even be working it already.

∞ DT ∞