Blog entry for:

hostile, resentful, self-centered, and self-seeking, i cut myself off from the outside world. oh the litany of what i was, what i could be and what i am doing my best to be. as i sit here this morning, there was a news item that attracted my eye about the bust of a large drug ring up here in Longtucky. the names of those arrested were not released, but i know of two friends who may be part of the original bust or the remaining two at large. one part of me hopes that they are not part of all of this, while another is rooting for finding them at the Boulder County Sheriff's Bead and Breakfast, next week when i go in. as of today, neither of them have been reported in custody, so perhaps, they got a pass, or as the article sates as they search for the remaining two suspects, their names are being kept out of the public record.
anyhow, ironic as it is, this kind of stuff never bothered me when i was using. in fact, i would have never even noticed the article, nor would i have cared to find out if anyone i knew was involved. as long as the cops were not knocking at my door, who gave a sh!t. today? well today, it is not odd for me to care, in fact as the reading states: one of the gifts of recovery is a reconnection to the world. i say reconnection as i paraphrase, because it was me who chose to disconnect, as i slid deeper and deeper towards end phase addiction. just as it was me, who gave all my opportunities to have a career, have a loving long-term relationship based upon something more than sex, be educated or even to care about the well-being of someone else. yes, along with any material belongings i accumulated, my drive to get high, overrode any desire to be a better person or elevate myself above the grind of the mundane. so i understand as my friends sell, pawn and abandon their material things as they slide further and further into the pits of active addiction. as pathetic as i was, back in the day, i relished the outcome, getting high, regardless of the cost, was what i was all about, and to this day, i still cringe at some of the less pleasant aspects and events of my life before abstinence.
today? yes i am once again asking that question, today things are quite different. as my desire to use wanes and disappears, my desire to be more than just an addict increases. when i stop using, i GET the chance to be something more, but simple abstinence is far from enough. yes, in order to recover, i NEED to be a member of the NO MATTER WHAT CLUB, but that is not enough to change me into someone i have always wanted to be. i may not be a beacon of hope, but i am certainly more connected to the world around me than i ever was. i will not sacrifice that connection, lightly. i am grateful that none of my relationships have forced me into making that choice, and if that day comes, i do not know what i will do. i would love to say, my connections are more important to me than anything else, hopefully that will be the case, but one never knows what one will do, when forced to put up or shut up.
i do have a thing or two to accomplish before nap time this afternoon, so i will end with this thought. i am grateful to have been freed from the dungeon of isolation that i built for myself in active addiction. although that means that sometimes what i do and what i say gets to the ears of the wrong person, at least it is proof that i am connected and not living in isolation anymore.

∞ DT ∞