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and telling the truth was never what i thought getting clean would mean. i might have been a terrible liar, but i was quite skilled about telling just enough of the truth, to allow someone to believe what i wanted them to believe, about me anyhow. i was however, great at lying to myself and did so at my great peril for decades on end. it was that ability that kept me from totally connecting to my peers, my friends, my loved ones and my family members, even after having a minute or so clean. the FIFTH STEP i did a year ago, lifted that burden from me and as i sit here today, i understand that even though i am doing my best to live a program of recovery, there probably is nothing new to uncover in steps six, seven, eight and nine. i am well aware of my character defects and shortcomings, and the only amends left on my list are to me, myself and i. it makes sense that i needed a bit of a spiritual overhaul and after that event, the next phase of my recovery, will become evident and maybe, just maybe it does not include the steps between five and ten.
this morning, i was antsy and angsty as i sat and attempted to go down into that quiet space i seek when i sit. the harder i attempted to let go, the worse it became. in the end, when i just let the torrent of thoughts and feeling be released from those depths, i was able to get the moment i strive for on a daily basis. i know that my life is a stress ball right now with no cash coming in and no job offers on the table. i still have my savings to fall back on and one of these days, i may actually get to file an unemployment claim, but not yet, and i hate “not yet.” next of my agenda today, is to get out of the house and hit the streets for a bit of exercise and then for a cigar or two, as i talk to the recruiters and train my ass off. things may not be moving as fast as i desire, but i am sure they are moving along, beyond my ken. so if i am going to get some time to myself, i better get rolling. i can be connected to myself and the world around me. i do need a bit of “ME” time with the phone shut-off and my computer shutdown, so i can have a bit of digital detox for forty-five minutes or so.

∞ DT ∞