Blog entry for:

what was so freely given to me.
so what about the newcomer?
take two.
i decided that ranting about a very common interpretation of a line in our recovery literature was not where i was at this morning, and that i needed to focus on what was given to me, rather than the twist many of my peers take, when it comes to the newest members of our fellowship. before i move on, there was once a time where i could say that i paid little or no attention to the newcomers, as i was not thrilled about the drama they bring along with them. i was not wrong about what they bring, but over the course of this set of steps i have learned that as i get better, i can allow more people into my life, overriding the FEAR that i will be overwhelmed by the hordes at the door. if the past 96 hours are any indication, i can have the newest members in my life and not participate in the drama they seem to bring along. what i am hearing from their stumbles is that it is NOT the substance that is the problem. for me it is the DENIAL, that somehow things have changed and i am “well” to use socially and legally acceptable drugs. sadly their trials and tribulations demonstrates to me, that is not the case, and as i am quite comfortably ensconced in the eye of the hurricane of chaos swirling around me, i also understand that all i can offer them, is what i have so painstakingly and habitually built my life upon.
ironically i saw a page from a book that talks about a study that was done once upon a time, that showed even with aversion training or surgery, an addict will fall back to using in times of stress, unless they become a part of some sort of support group. for me, that idea is reality. quite honestly, even with all my duplicity and concealment in those very early days, i sensed that i needed something more, if i was going to stay abstinent for any length of time. i did not think it was a 12 STEP fellowship and was quite certain i was not an addict. that certainty and resistance led to the mistaken belief that i could hang with my using friends, hit bars and “gentlemen” clubs and suffer no ill effects. fortunately for me, i came through that phase clean and with most of my illusions about what i was and what i NEEDED to do, shattered. i finally was ready to be the newcomer with eighteen months clean.
ah but living in the past does me absolutely no good. the fact is, that was the very first time i admitted i was an addict, but that belief did not take hold, for quite some time after that day. although they were never spoken let alone present in my conscious mind, i had reservations. when i worked STEP ONE, this time, i could not name them exactly, but i could see that i still thought i was different and like some of those i have known that have stepped away from the fellowship, i thought maybe i too, with enough time could join that club. after all, if the medical doctor do not detect cancer for five years running, one is declared “cured.” what stumbling across that pernicious and pervasive reservation did for me, was to wake me up to the fact that it is the newest of the new, that remind me of the baggage and the drama i brought to the rooms with me. what i can give them is the direction that was given to me. i cannot however, work the steps for them, keep them from trying to “handle” and control that drama or even accept the gift i am offering. as much as it saddens me and makes me desire to return to my distant place, far from the lives of the FNG,. i know that is not the best detour for this addict to take right now. i know that the best path for me to follow, is the one i am on: allowing those newest members into my life, welcoming to this new manner of living and continuing to freely give away what was given to me, all those days ago.

∞ DT ∞