Blog entry for:

to the still-suffering addict. i often wonder if those that **like** the link i post to this morning ritual on social media, actually read what i have written. honestly what i write here, is for me, and i certainly hope a of some value to others. while it has been a bit of time, since i was a newcomer, it has not been all that long since i was a “still suffering” addict, and i foresee a time in the future where i will once again fall into that category. be that as it may, this morning, what i am all about is carrying a message to anyone who may happen upon it.
i have been in a bit of a tizzy the past few days, well actually the past month over my future career and where it may be headed. was this time well spent? more than likely not, all i got was a whole lot of stress, some bad behaviors and more than a few restless nights. in this case i was the still-suffering addict, and the cause of all my misery was m,y inability to let, take the steps i needed to take and allow events to unfold as they did. am i going to blithely march down the corridors of steel and into the maws of the abattoir of bureaucracy? well, as dramatic as that sounds, that is how i have been looking at it, and i may comply but i am also seeking new opportunities as well. just for today, i have a job, i have the means to take care of myself and my loved ones and i do not need to base my esteem on whether or not i have a title to suits me, or not.
coming out of my grey cloud, as it were, this morning i see that i have opinions on nearly everything and many times, my opinions do not sync with my peers, o or others in my life. once upon a time, and it was not all that long ago, i would dismiss the opinions of others as misinformed and based in ignorance, and walk away, which was certainly an upgrade for my behavior in active addiction. previously, i would bully badger and manipulate those opinions of others into some sort of concordance with mine, and feel quite justified in doing so, after all…
do not get me wrong, i still have the desire to judge and in the realm of politics i am often on the brink of pointing someone else's ignorance and misinformed opinion. when it comes to recovery, well i am much better. sure i judge, to say anything else would be a lie, BUT i keep my judgements to myself and am quite content to agree to disagree. one of the notions that i am most adamant about, is that everything i do in the rooms, and in meetings needs to be for the newcomer. i have a very strong opinion about that. my opinion does not necessarily follow the party line or the consensus of my peers. i am in recovery for myself, because i reached a place of desperation, no matter how hard i try and deny it. sure the events that brought me to the rooms, and kept me in the rooms for long enough to want to be in the rooms, may not look like that of my peers. nevertheless, here i am, a few days clean and fretting over whether or not my opinions and how i express them is causing damage in my relationships. hardly a “newcomer” sort of problem. i also know that sometimes when i share what i am going through, openly and honestly, in a meeting those newcomers have very little insight into what the real issue is that i am sharing about. i become like the teacher in the Peanuts cartoons, and they miss the fact that no matter what i am going through i CHOOSE to stay clean today. i am looking at that as well as i start this round of steps, is what i am sharing about “advanced” recovery, or am i wrapping it up in spiritual camouflage and intellectual horsesh!t? certainly food for thought this morning.
what i DO KNOW, is that today, just for today, i can operate on a higher plane, without the use of mind and mood altering substances and behaviors. i can be okay in allowing myself to express my opinions without needing the validation of those around me. more to the point, i can look at those opinions and see if possibly they require revision, or a complete overhaul, as these days i can admit to being wrong. the first one being, perhaps i need to restore balance between the still-suffering and the newcomer in my mind and act accordingly. life is like that, and long held beliefs can be overturned these days, as i have discovered. what i believe is true, may not be and just may be detrimental to my ongoing recovery.

∞ DT ∞