Blog entry for:

what has been given to me is something that i aspire to do. am i perfect at doing so? not by a long shot, especially when someone asks, but refuses to act on what i give them. this seems to happen the most with those who have **been around** the program, but continue to find one reason or another to do just one more. for me, to be the newest of the new, over and over again, would be a fate worse than death, but i have to give them props for coming back. my job, in these cases, is to get over my bad self and give them once again, all the recovery stuff i have. i know exactly how much power i have in these situations, what power i do have, is to be freely giving what i have.
moving on this morning, i have moved into active anxiety, as i wait for the results of my biopsy. i want to be optimistic and live in the sunlight of “nothing has changed,” but i go to my FEAR that like Frank Zappa, i am terminal and need to get my “affairs in order.” no grey areas here for this addict. no matter how much i preach to others about seeking something other than the extremes, i volunteer for this misery with little or no thought of what i am doing to myself.
the other thing that is popping off the stack is my trip to Montana to be there for my cousins, as they bury their Mom. it is going to be a whirlwind kind of trip and one i will be doing by myself, even though two family members have asked to go with me. what they do not seem to get, is that i crave some all alone drive time and fourteen hours each way, will allow me to clear my head of the junk that has been filling it lately. i know that i will drive far longer than i should, before i take a break. i also know that i will not eat properly while on the road and smoke way too many cigars. i also know that when i get back, i will be better fit to live the life i am living right now. so it is off to get some stuff done and pay attention to what is going on.

∞ DT ∞