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POWER that fuels my recovery. how, one may ask, can i survive in a TWELVE STEP program, as a **godless heathen?** after all the GOD paradigm is everywhere and thrown around with such alacrity, that i cannot possibly feel comfortable in the rooms. my journey to becoming a godless heathen was initiated by the 12 STEPS and actually fostered through the very GOD paradigm, that a casual observer may conclude would drive people like me to somewhere, anywhere else, to seek my recovery. quite honestly for a bit of time during this last ELEVENTH STEP, i too, thought i would be vacating these premises. the question therefore remains, what happened and what is it like now.
what happened, is that i actually read the literature of the fellowship that has given me this new life. not some candy-assed chapter addressed to agnostics, but the body of literature as a whole. i can easily admit that i am powerless over addiction, and that “something” is providing me the power to stay clean day after day. that “something” is certainly more powerful than addiction and hence more powerful than i am. from there the leap to a HIGHER POWER is not that far, after all, when my internal strength wanes and i have come to the mistaken conclusion that just a little dab will do me, that POWER provides me whatever i need in that moment to stay clean, just for that moment. those moments, become minutes, hours and finally another day clean. if that happens to be loving and caring, and i have come to that conclusion, that getting what i NEED and having the opportunities to be more than i was yesterday, is loving and caring, i am back in the mainstream again and have not become a deist.
in my world view, there needs to be no “divine” recrimination when abominations such as the Pulse happen. my theory? that the shooter was a closeted gay man, that may have finally had his first experience. his cultural upbringing did not allow for that possibility, so in a fit of self-loathing he gunned down a club full of those just like him, claiming it was in the name Daesh and assuring his martyr status woulds allow him to enter paradise, assured that he would get his 40 virgins. his heinous actions, were not for the greater glory of his deity or political leanings, simply an overreaction to the way his deity made him and the means to rid himself of all that he was not able to accept.
gun control, Big Brother surveillance or religion could not have prevented this tragedy and as the political climate heats up, the presumptive nominees are all over how to “solve” this problem, when in the long run tolerance and better mental health care, is more than likely the answer. i understand on some levels, what it is to hate what i have become. i understand that what i look like to others is a far, far better thing to accomplish, certainly easier, than looking inside and finding the means to accept myself exactly as i am today. blaming GOD, for the insanity that i perform, is certainly the coward's path out, after all it was GOD that made me the way i am.
which brings me back to the path i started, it is because of the 12 STEPS and learning how to live a program of recovery, that i have found a path to accepting myself as i am. i need not worry or wonder how i became as i am, as i have a path to becoming something more, and that path has multiple opportunities in each and every day for me to choose to go one way or the other. honestly i am not going to rush out and arm myself with a weapon, to protect myself from the random nut-balls that may cross my path. nor am i going to cower, locked in my home, afraid to come out, because i am afraid that i may be part of the next attack. either way, the power structure or the extremists win. no, today i am going to have FAITH, that the POWER that fuels my recovery will provide me the means to stay clean. i will exercise that FAITH by being present for the opportunities that i am presented to get my DESIRES met, as i already am quite certain, that what i NEED will already be provided. if i choose to call that POWER, GOD, then so be it. when i do so, i place myself on the same level as my peers, and i am not denying my FAITH or stepping out from my spiritual path, all i am doing is accommodating my peers, so that they too, can find their own path to a “loving and caring GOD.” it is after all a very good day to have just a modicum more FAITH than i had yesterday.

∞ DT ∞