Blog entry for:

i find it easier to deal with the pain and confusion. so i have used this topic for many different spins on thew whole HIGHER POWERED gig. i am more than certain i have written about my journey to find FAITH, i am also more than certain, i have parroted the party line about how i need to do such and such to maintain my spiritual condition. i probably have written about how i see or define the HIGHER POWER i am getting familiar with these days. all of those are worthy topics and since i probably have covered them to everyone's satisfaction, including mine, i will go off in a different direction this morning, which will probably touch on all of those topics as i get rolling.
so with my seed about maintaining my spiritual condition, one might conclude it is time for the party line. well, one is wrong this morning, what i am feeling and what i heard in my quiet time was how well am i dealing with the pain and confusion with life in the REAL world. a quick inventory of the events in my life does not look like i have all that much pain and confusion going on. at least ion the outside. as i have come to see, that i am fairly closed off to showing what is really going on internally, there is quite a bit more stuff going on under the surface. yesterday, i finally took the step i have been doing my beat to avoid, and fired a sponsee. it is not the first time i have come to the place where i felt action needed to be taken, but it is the first time where i have blood on my hands as i actually was the one who did the deed. i have used all the tricks in my arsenal to avoid ever having to do this in the past, and this morning, in the cold harsh morning light, i realize that it was something i needed to do, for quite some time, i also have FAITH, that this action is the best for myself and for my former sponsee as well. i am also getting the notion that i need to find a different direction for my recovery as well as my spiritual journey, and the desire that was ignited in me during my trip to Wyoming is still smoldering within. i have not acted on that desire to date, but it has never gone away and as i sit here this morning taking stock of my internal condition, i can once again feel that desire pushing me to take action, no matter how hard i try and ignore it. the whole "my shares are worthless" pile of garbage that has been haunting me the past few weeks resolved last night, when i spoke about the EIGHTH STEP at one of my standard meetings. for the first time in weeks, i actually felt something again before i shared, and i let it out as i went along, i did not feel as if i was going through the motions, as i have felt since my trip to Wyoming. in fact, i felt like what i shared was what i NEEDED to share for me, myself and i. if anyone else got anything out of it BONUS! yes, all of a sudden, my recovery is taking this turn towards the selfish: my needs, my feelings, my desires and my connection to the divine. i am clueless about where this is going, but i know it feels right for right now so instead of fighting the flow by trying to swim upstream back to the whole selfless place, i think i will go with the flow, being present for the rapids and the rocks as i get washed downstream to my new spiritual condition. where i am going is really unimportant, my job is to maintain my spiritual condition, by being present for the journey.
anyhow as it is not raining and as it has been two days since my last workout, i do believe the time has come to hit the streets and burn off some of the excess everything i have accumulated over the past few day. it is a good day to be where i am, so i will pay attention so i know exactly where that is.

∞ DT ∞