Blog entry for:

...but is waiting to help me make it through the hard times in my recovery.
well today i am not really struggling through much of anything except making the decision whether i am going out sooner or later. times like these can be just as damaging to my FAITH as the hard times, at least for this addict. i was not one of those who came to recovery with a nicely packaged pre-shrunk HIGHER POWER CONCEPT, nor was i willing to even examine the possibility that i NEEDED to explore this concept. after all, i was different from everyone else in the rooms and did not need some cosmic force to help me with anything at all, thank you very much!
so my problem is, that when i am in times that are good, i seem to slip back into the mode of believing that somehow i am self-sufficient and the work i have done in developing a concept of a HIGHER POWER and integrating that concept into my life is swept away into the dustbin of ideas i once considered were necessary but today i find little use for.. and then something disastrous happens -- like i break a finger nail, or i get called on my shit, or even one of those events that life is full of, and i am forced to retrieve every bit of work i have done since getting clean and making the decision to seek recovery.
do not misinterpret what i have said, it is not that i discard my HIGHER POWER in the good times and return to self-sufficiency, that would be insane! no, as it said in the reading the old ideas come back and creep around the dark and dank neighborhood encased by my cranium. the only problem with that brand of insanity, is that it makes the idea that i can do just one of something seem rational. so for this addict the vigilance in my program has to be during the good times. that is where most of my work with GOD needs to be done. that way, when the bad times come as they will, i have the necessary support to stay clean another second, minute, hour or day. and in the long run, that is what this is all about, depending on something greater than me to provide me the means to keep walking the path i have chosen to walk -- just for today.
TO LINDA LOU -- i am sincerely sorry to hear of your loss, although it is little consolation, Angel no longer needs to bear the burden of cancer within her.

∞ DT ∞