Blog entry for:

from being stuck in my old beliefs or ideas, especially when it come to the spiritual side of my life in recovery.
last night after the meeting one of my peers mentioned that from time to time, they believe that i write about them. today, i am going to do them the favor and single them out for the entry point into my thoughts. when they were speaking about the THIRD STEP with me, they were less than willing to come out and admi9t that they were looking at a spiritual path that was not the one their family members followed. although they spent years not practicing any sort spiritual path, their reluctance to commit to any path, save the one they were brought up in, put them in an uncomfortable place, when pressed to to speak about it, even in one-on-one situations. it seemed to me, that they were afraid of going against all they had been taught and the millennia of tradition in which that tradition is steeped. i told them it did not matter, what their family or peers in recovery thought, they had to find a path that fit them. i mention this, this morning,. because without recovery, i would have never found the FAITH to walk the spiritual path, that seems to have chosen me.
i have probably over-documented my journey to where i am, both literally and through the progression of this collection of philosophical musings. to avoid the risk of being redundant one more time, i will simply say that the spiritual path i follow does not contain the notion of a GOD as i have understood that concept, but does not preclude one either, so i can “fit” with my peers, without following their spiritual path. what is, simply is, and GOD is just that, GOD.
that cleans up the footwork to get me to what i heard this morning. as i work this particular iteration of the FIRST STEP, i am beginning to sense a few things. the lie i told myself about being too broken, as i started my last round of steps, is starting to echo through my head now. it takes on a new meaning and is certainly a bit more insidious. today, what i am telling myself is: “i may not be too broken to allow myself to love anyone else, but i am still too broken to continue down the path of becoming less socially retarded.” the progress i made towards becoming more caring and open, has been reflected in my current social involvement and my growing ease with forming social connections in many areas of my life and maintaining them at an appropriate level. the FEAR is, that as i become more willing to be connected, they will discover that somehow i am just a huge sham and cut me off. somehow, i believe that they do not see my social awkwardness and my inept ability to make small talk. i have the false belief that i am getting over on the world, instead of acting “as-if” i do not have anxiety in social situations. the truth is, they all probably realize that socially i am quite retarded in my growth and even though i have the ability to interact in social situations, i have not practiced the skill long enough to become adept at it. when that lie echoes, and i pay attention to it, i lose my FAITH that i will get what i need today to grow into the person i want to be and fall back into a state of FEAR that nothing will ever change. the theology i return to, is that of fear, uncertainty and doubt, instead of HOPE, and i get stuck in a peculiar negative feedback loop. i am afraid of making a social gaffe ↬ i withdraw from my peers ↬ i stop sharing in meetings and one-on-one ↬ i suddenly have no time for sponsees ↬ i am embarrassed by my silence ↬ i feel“less than” my peers ↬ my social anxiety increase and i return to the top. wash, rinse and repeat, until i am a figurative hermit is a cave dressed in a hair-shirt.
today, i se where i am stuck at and need to live in the FAITH, that if i walk through my FEAR, i will be provided with what i need in this arena as well as the ability to stay clean today., it is that FAITH, in the POWER that fuels my recovery, that i need to rely one and allow myself the freedom to deny the lie and live in the real world, just for today.

∞ DT ∞