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in my old beliefs or ideas, it was once difficult to accept what i feel as possibly being worthwhile. as i sat this morning, i was struck by the fact that i allowed someone to be nasty, insulting and demeaning to me every time they spoke to me. it certainly was a WTF moment. that moment started last night, when i realized that because of their treatment of me, i had not done a task that i had been doing on a daily basis, namely reaching out to one of my peers, who is having issues staying clean. although i might say, it was not a conscious choice to forgo that particular task, the fact is, i allowed the manner in which i was treated by someone else to restrain my desire to be of service. as i sat last night and reviewed my day, i uncovered this as a fact of life and i was pissed off at myself for giving a nasty person that sort of power. where i ended up was this morning i am certainly worth more than that and am going to take back that part of my life, by realizing that i may be powerless over them, but i have the power to not let them affect what i do.
yes, one of my old beliefs was that i got what i deserved, from life, from the world and from the people around me. i felt i was entitled to better treatment, but i did not have enough self-worth to ask for it. certainly a weird state of being feeling entitled and worthless at the same moment. my emotional reaction was to be a little bit angry, all of the time, so when i swallowed enough sh*t i was ready to explode with extreme prejudice, and i did. in early recovery, the entitlement piece was quickly removed, and i became a doormat, because i believed that was the opposite of how i was behaving and that allowing others to use and abuse me, was somehow making a living amends for how sh*tty i had been to the world around me. i see some of my peer in their early recovery process, behaving in the same manner. i want to say something to them and yet i realize that if someone had said something to me, i would have discounted their suggestion, deflected their concern and generally walked away pissed off that they would dare presume they knew the first thing about who i was and why i did what i was doing.
it is ironically interesting that as i walking this morning, i came to the conclusion that my anger was misplaced. instead of being angry at myself for allowing someone to treat like that, i really needed to be angry at them for being that nasty. i also came to the place that they can certainly be written out of my life, with very little effort. i can be cordial and courteous and walk away, never allowing their bile to spill over me. i can also accept that is who they are and i do not need to take on their sh*t today. this is no different than coming to FAITH and coming to find my spiritual path. where once upon a time i was not worthy to seek a spiritual path that fit who and what i am, i know that i am worth at least that much. i have long had FAITH in the recovery program that has become my way of life, even if i am critical of my peers and some aspects of how others see it. the truth is, i pity those peers who cannot let go and accept freedom from active addiction. the ones with decades clean that still have the desire to use. i might tell them a thing or two if asked, but if “no matter what” is as far as one gets in their recovery, i wonder why they continue to hang. i am grateful; that “no matter what” is my default and i get so much more than alt-right conspiracy websites and shady behaviors.

∞ DT ∞