Blog entry for:

that POWER can and will guide me through the challenges i face in my life today.
so i could go on and on about my journey to the FAITH i have today -- been there done that - time to move on.
i could instaed speak about my journey through the various incarnations and the process of coming to have a HIGHER POWER on which i could rely on and trust -- boring nothing new there either.
this morning, for some reason, for the first time in what feels like centuries, but actually has only probabaly been just a few minutes, i feel calm, contented and assured of my place in the world. of course, there could be another shoe, or bomb left to drop, BUT and it really is a big one, i have just eough FAITH that whatever is coming down the pike today, is jus=t as it is supposed to be.
so i have been in a pissing match with someone who is totally oblivious to the needs of other people, in fact he is so obtuse, he folded up his toys and went home in a petulant fury. it had to be his way or not at all, so i caved and i feel okay about that decions, and how he takes it is beyond my ken, i know in the long run, i can yank the plug anytime i want to, as i own the little piece of social networking that he now believes he has ultimate control over. just an e-mail away will be my rescue, if things go south.
be that as it may, letting go of that is not why i feel spiritual today, but it certainly does not hurt either. i think what happened is that i sat and listened to what was really going on around me, and this was just part of the background noise, that i had chosen to hold on to and allow myself to get swept up in the chaos of battle of machismo. stuff that feels comfortable and even though i hate to admit it, something that felt good. i could wonder if this is a backsliding, or what. yes, i could, or i can move forward from this spot secure in the knowledge that i am who i am, no one got hurt, i stopped before that happened. my ego may be a little bruised and bloodied, but again in the long run, i will still be here, and my rival in this particualr battle will be chasing some other squirrel down yet another rabbit hole. there is a part of me, that feels a certain sense of accomplishment for standing my ground, before caving, even though it was tilting at windmills. there is also a part of me, who is a bit embarassed that i did not think this through at the beginning to reach this inevitable conclusion.
well as i comtinue through the looking glass, what i see is that i was denying my FAITH, exercising self-will and enjoying the feelings that are part and parcel of being an addict, you know getting to use, without having to change my clean date, as there were no substances involved. as i move forward there is nothing that need to be of afraid of anymore, from him or from life in general. sure a terrorist act may blow the bridge up as my bus passes over it, a meteor may drop down from the sky on my head, i may have a sudden and fatal heart attack or life just may go on. if i was a betting man, i would make book on the last possibility, and hedging that bet, i can be secure, that no matter what happens, i can be okay with those events, because i have finally moved into FAITH. the FAITH i have today is the result of a 5390 day journey to today, the ups, downs and sideways of this journey, makes me what i am today. today, i know just what i am, an addict who chooses to live a program of recovery. time to sign-off and see what the news of the world may bring, it is a good day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞