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that happened to me were once the evidence of a capricious and uncaring HIGHER POWER. at least that was one of the interpretations, i used to justify my lack of FAITH. times change, i grow, and today that notion has been replaced by a FAITH that i will get exactly what i NEED from the POWER that fuels my recovery, IF i pay attention and take advantage of the opportunities that come rolling my way. learning to open my mind and let go of ALL of my preconceived ideas about the nature of the spiritual side of life, was one of the hardest tasks i ever accomplished. ironically, in the long run, my journey brought me to a place where arbitrary and capricious are no longer attributes i can use to describe the POWER that fuels my recovery, in fact, i have dropped using all anthropomorphic features of that POWER in entirety. so the question that i need to ask, is how can i have FAITH in an idea that is so ill-defined and nebulous?
for me, that was always my greatest FEAR and the idea that kept me locked in a concept of a HIGHER POWER that was a mirror image of my peers. GOD is GOD and although i was not entirely comfortable with that idea, i refused to let it go. my FEAR kept me locked in superstition and rote adherence to something i could not give myself over to, 100%. oh sure, i made all the correct noises, used proper language and implemented rituals based on that less than adequate understanding, but in reality, it was all window-dressing. do not misunderstand me, just because i have found a path that fits me better, does not mean that i once again look down my nose on my peers, seeing them as superstitious peasants in want of a better idea. my life as someone who is “spiritually superior” is no longer a reality, because what my peers use as a HIGHER POWER, is none of my bidness, period. what works for them, works for them. i am no longer the arbiter of anything outside of the mundane world.
what my journey to finding a POWER that i could have FAITH in taught me was that what i lacked was FAITH in myself. because of what i once saw myself as, my reluctance to have FAITH in myself leads me into all sorts of unnatural positions and none of them have ever been pain-free.
this morning as i arise and prepare to commute to work, i have a bit of gratitude for the long strange trip to come back to where i once may have started. because of my stubborn resistance to my feeling and intuition, i now have the experience of a journey to share with my peers. just for today, i know i will get what i need to stay clean and perhaps if i am awake and paying attention, much, much more.

∞ DT ∞