Blog entry for:

expectations and accept life, just as it is.
an interesting 24 for me, after talking to another addict last night and providing him a path out of the darkness he feels about the nature of the spiritual side of this program, i had one of the best 10th step sessions i have had, in quite a few days. this morning, my 11th, was equally as rewarding and between the two of them, i see that being petty, as much as i hate to admit it, is just part of who i am. it comes and it goes, and quite honestly no one is perfect.
my little chat with that addict last night, brought me back into balance, as i start to see that i am a whole, the product of years in active addiction, months in mere abstinence and years in recovery. it just may be, that my pettiness is coloring my view of the world and giving me the sense of entitlement to place expectations on my peers, my friends, my family members, my co-workers and my acquaintances. stepping out from behind those expectations, i can allow myself to interact respectfully with everyone i encounter today, even if i feel slimy and disgusted after speaking to them. even if i have to pretend to be something i am, not, so as not to step on their oh so delicate feelings. even if i am detecting someone putting on a show, and i am seeing the “real” man, behind the curtains.
it really is not up to me to dump all over anyone. not quite sure how i got back on to that tack, but i do know i have something to offer, even if no one is taking. what i have come to, at least right here and right now, is that thinking that someone needs to live up to my expectations, puts far too much weight on myself and certainly the other party. if they are are the self-obsessed, selfish, self-centered pricks, i think they are, the truth will be revealed, it is not up to me to spread mu fear, uncertainty and doubt across the landscape. i certainly know what putting on a good show is all about, and if looking good is more important than feeling good, well so be it, been there, done that got the “T” shirt.
today i know i do not need to boost my self-esteem by talking behind someone's back. today i also know that some people get me and my humor and others are just going to walk away puzzled and possibly butt-hurt, that is just the way it is. i may be a GOD-less heathen, but i am grateful i found a path to reconciling what i am, with a fellowship that appears to require that i follow a very narrow and specific spiritual path. there really is no contradiction between who i am and where i get my recovery, that was what the 12 months in STEP 11 gave me, the path back to my tribe and i am grateful for it. i carry my values seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day, so i need not seek salvation and forgiveness on Sunday mornings. when i say i am going to pay someone back, i actually do so, instead of spending my hard earned money on things and bling. when i say i am a friend, i am a friend all the time, even when you are not around. when i take something from someone else, and end up in a situation of my own doing, i am not a victim, today, i see that it was a choice and am owed nothing from the injured party. and when i am a sh!t, i no longer need to hide that fact behind smiles and the smoke and mirrors that i have acquired from being familiar with the fellowship that has given me this path. what i have come to today, is that is just me, to think that anyone else can or will live up to that, is placing unrealistic expectations on them and setting them up for a big fall, after all some are sicker than others.
where does this put me today? well five-sixths of the way to being the man i want to be today. i am of a peaceful spirit, balanced inside and ready to head on out and take on the real world, not the fantasy land i have built up in my head. i know that i may disappoint. i know that i may hurt someone but i will not hide behind the shield of “i know my motives are pure,” as they most likely are not. when i sit down for my 10th step tonight, hopefully i will find that balance i seek, has been there all day long and if not, i will seek oyut and repair the wrongs i have done, after all, just for today, that is what this is all about.

∞ DT ∞