Blog entry for:

may seem, i NEED to learn to accept life as it comes, letting go of my expectations. a familiar catch phrase popped into my mind today, after i **sat,** and no matter how many times i hear it, it evokes two emotional reactions form me. the phrase? “expectations are premeditated resentments.” the reaction? anger or laugh out loud stupid. anger, because somehow i believe i am entitled to something and expect it to happen in a certain manner, when it does not, <BOOM> i get angry and instantly resentful for not getting “mine.” stupid, because there i go again mix up needs and wants and living in desire. the nice part, is that once i see how ignorant i am being,m and finally flip my anger bit to off, i can chortle with glee about what was, and be grateful for what is, instead.
there is a whole lot i can write about letting go of my expectations and i have done so over the past few months as i finally came to accept my current employment situation and finally started treating those who have to deal with me, with a bit more kindness and respect, whether or not i think they are slovenly, lazy idiots who do not choose to figure things out for themselves. guess what? once oi accept that as fact, i can be okay as well. be nice to the less fortunate and grow a bit of tolerance and patience for those who choose to live in ignorance.
now that i have finished with the top of my stack topic, the next one that pops off, is the changes manifest within me, and how i am behaving. i am certainly one of those that came to recovery with a very low opinion of myself, but projected a certain image of being accomplished. when i did a good deed, or even the next right thing, i had to crow about it, so i could get acco9lades from all of my peers. in the course of the last six days, i have felt uncomfortable a few times, when someone else recognized one of my “doing the next right thing” actions. i could not deny what they said, the truth is, they were being honest and what they saw, was exactly what i did. once upon a time, i would have feasted on such attention and did what i could to foster, crack for my emotional self. both of the times i was gracious, said thank you and tried to diminish what it was that i had did. not exactly the opposite of conceited braggadocio, just another version. true humility, now that i look at it, would be to say thank you, acknowledge that i did do the deed, and move along, without giving myself a dig, even if i KNOW that what i did, had very mixed motives behind it. learning to accept praise, humbly, is what i have been hearing lately, over and over again and with that in mind, it is approaching the time, to pack this in, and head on down to the job i hate less than i did yesterday. it is a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞