Blog entry for:

...with life. the self-centered outlook i cultivated in my addiction distorted my perceptions of life. it is still difficult to let go of my expectations and accept life as it is. so if you are a daily reader, i apologize for even attempting to write yesterday, it was so strange that at 11:45 in the morning, i could not even keep my eyes open and HAD TO go lay down. so here i am at it again, much earlier and with a whole lot more fervor.
what comes into my mind as i ponder the entry is my expectations of how life should be, and the fact, that even today some days down, up or along this road, those expectations are still present. well, before i turn into doctor doom and gloom, let me temper that that last statement. i still have many of the expectations i had when i first got clean about life the universe and everything, but they have changed in form and are less pernicious than they were back in the day. good news bad news kind of stuff.
the bad news is that i still want to get something for nothing -- the good news is that i am willing to accept that maybe i have to put forth a bit of effort to make that happen.
i could go on and on with that exact kind of inventory and although it night be a good way to fritter away some minutes, i do not see it as all that productive. the important part for this addict is that i recognize that the expectations i had when i was using are still present and operating in my life, while it is true that i do not feel like i am entitled to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of HAPPINESS, or anything else these days, i still like to fall back into that thought pattern, so i can wail and gnash my teeth in a petulant fit of self-pity. of course, such incidents, provide the evidence for the part of me i call my addiction, to add to the argument that this whole recovery gig is just not working out. and so it goes…
well there is hope here also! the steps and the process of recovery, are working! the evidence is that those expectations i had when i got clean an d accepted the program of recovery, while still present do not consume me, nor do they rule my emotional state anymore. i may still be a selfish, self-centered son of gun, but i am so much less so, and more spiritually connected than ever before. i can be present for what is happening on all the planes of my life, and as a result, i get to be a participant rather than a spectator in my life. participating is certainly a whole lot more difficult than watching, but the effort is worth the rewards of knowing that i am making my expectations come true, at least in some small part every single day i stay clean and choose to move in the spiritual plane that recovery has revealed to me. so enough mysticism and into the rational world with a workout and a bit of work. i do, after all, have some expecatations to fulfill today.

∞ DT ∞