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and standing tall was certainly a stretch for me, when i came to recovery. i may have been standing tall, but that was all hubris and false pride as i was far from self-supporting. as a matter of fact, i relied on being able to con everyone and anyone out of what i needed to get by, and saw that as a mark of being smarter, better and certainly superior to those “weak and feeble” souls. quite honestly, i thought self-supporting meant self-sufficiency when i arrived in the rooms, and it took more than a minute for me to see that i could support myself and still ask for the help i needed, from my friends and peers in recovery.
what i heard this morning was a whole lot of quiet, for a change. no screaming about what i need to accomplish at work this week, what the men i sponsor or once sponsored are doing nor what i NEED to get done to ease a friend's arrival back on the streets. what i “felt” was a sense of pride at being able to choose a way of life that allows me to be free. i use that word quite liberally, with very little context or explanation and this morning, perhaps it is time to inventory what i have been freed from. after all, that too, is part and parcel of the notion of self-support.
the first and most obvious thing i have been freed from is active addiction and the overwhelming and incessant need to get high, gnawing at my very fiber. that did not come the first day i got clean, nor the first day i decided to become a member and actually start a program of recovery. when that “event” occurred is not relevant today, but i am quite certain it was a result of learning to “live” the steps as i worked painfully through each and every one of them. the removal of the obsession and compulsion to use, freed me to become a whole lot more free.
being freed from the lie ii lived for fifty years is probably as important of a milestone as my clean date. after hiding who i was from the world around me, and from myself, i finally started the journey into uncovering who i once was and seeing how that person fits in the world today. i can report that he fits very well, although there are certainly more than a few rough edges that need to be chiseled off. as i get to “know” this guy, i am amazed by how he sees the world and have been getting a clue or two that my cynicism was a defense mechanism to push those that could provide me the greatest help, far, far away. i may still have a healthy dose of cynicism today, but it is being tempered by the loving and trusting soul i have always desired to be.
today, i am free to be more than ever before and part of that is taking care of my physical self. i have come to a place in my life where i see that IF oi want to have a quality of life that is active and dynamic, i cannot allow myself to slouch into the hell of physical decrepitude, so it is time to put on my walking shoes and get a few miles under the soles of my shoes, reveling in the fact that i CAN do that, just for today.

∞ DT ∞