Blog entry for:

the easier it becomes to accept life exactly as it comes to me.
okay, i will admit it, this is one of those readings that has an unpredictable effect upon me when i read it.
at times, it feels right and i can spout the party line about how the STEPS and the principles embodied by them is THE ONLY way for this addict to go, and by implication ALL of those who are seeking a new life through a process of recovery.
at other times in my recovery experience, this reading sucks for numerous reasons, but it usually boils down to the fact that I DO NOT WANT TO ACCEPT REALITY AS IT IS, and as a result want to alter reality or at the minimum my perception of reality, as i did for the 25 or 26 years of active use.
most of the time there is no in between state.
all of that being said, this morning i am somewhere actually in between these extreme versions of my reaction to this reading. this topic prompted a very quiet and intense session of shutting down that internal self-talk that runs through my head most of the time. when i returned to the morning to get moving on what i need to get done, nothing on the outside had changed. i could still use some more work, i still have sponsees that are incarcerated and are once again going to celebrate their birthday behind bars, and what i did not do yesterday is still screaming at me to get done today, as well as the work that was already on the table today. for some reason, none of that is important as i want to make it. my only explanation for such acceptance has to boil down to the steps and my program of active recovery. since the outside world has not changed and i am still who i am, i must have stumbled across a new filter. that filter is what the reading was speaking about, namely the spiritual principles of the program to which i have surrendered my will and my life to today.
oh boy, am i in for it now. i have just admitted that i have surrendered my will and my life to the program, so what is keeping me from completing that process by surrendering those same elements into the care of my HIGHER POWER? perhaps, that is where the peace and serenity i feel is coming from. since my concept of a HIGHER POWER is inclusive of the program, i am beginning to understand by making that very first action, i am actually surrendering my will and my life into that care. i have no problem with the interrelated nature of the program and the POWER that fuels my recovery, except when i think about it too much,. which i am starting to do. i can hear the lie starting because in my mind i am starting to form a very big BUT…
i forgot that part of self-deception, yesterday when i was writing and last night when i was sharing. i can always tell when i am starting to lie to myself because i ALWAYS preface what i am going to say next with the word “BUT”. before i give myself a chance to discount what i am feeling, i will stop there and allow myself just to be this morning. it is nice that i have something that eludes me most of the time this morning, a certainty that no matter what comes down the pike today, i am on the right path and all i have to do is pay attention to what is happening around me for the clues of where to go and what to do, next.
so what i feel right now is that is to get out and work-out. even though i think i want to run, i am going to allow myself the freedom, to complete this six days of walking, before i go back to training, as i really do need to allow this 54 year old body the opportunity to heal.what comes next is yet to be revealed, and i can be okay with that as well.

∞ DT ∞