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reminiscent of that ancient joke; how do i get to Carnegie Hall?
how do i accept myself, my life, and reality?
practicing the twelve steps, is not the answer i want although it may be the answer i seek. the results of working the steps and putting them into practice in my life seems to take way too long. i want self-acceptance today, right now, without any work or delay.
the truly ironic part of this, is that when i came to recovery i thought i accepted reality, i just did not want to deal with it. i thought i accepted myself just as i was and it was you people who did not have a clue. it was quite a rude awakening for me, when i realized that not only did i not accept myself, i actually loathed who and what i was. so the practice of the twelve steps opened my mind to the reality of my situation then, and that practice is still opening my mind today.
i seem to be gripping this expectation that after the few days and the number of steps i worked, that i should accept myself perfectly today. not that i have to be happy with what i find just accepting of who and what i am. part of the problem is that i am not quite sure who and what i am today, the certainty of early recovery has been replaced with a sense of wonderment about what i will uncover about myself today, and how it will all fit together in the long run. and this not knowing gig is a difficult pill for me to swallow -- so i am back to the top.
how can i learn to accept myself?
practice the twelve steps and see what happens!
∞ DT ∞