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so i had just cause to be really pissed off at another addict last night and purposely did not take any of their phone calls. i realize this morning, that they are caught up in the self-centered behavior reinforced by forays back into active addiction. and yet i want to b!tch slap them around to my way of thinking. i mean seriously, giving my number to an addict who is still using and i do not know, much less trust is way not cool.
this morning the heat of my anger has died down, and if they happen to call, when i have the opportunity to talk to them, i may actually pay the price of taking their call. deferring this to now, has allowed me to keep from doing any more damage and in reality whatever they so desperately believe they need to talk about is not going anywhere. one thing is for certain, i will do my best not to have to make any amends, nor will i have to use the corrective part of the TENTH STEP, as sometimes it is easier to do nothing than to let someone have it with both barrels. yes and i know how ironic that last line sounds, as i get so frustrated when my sponsor reminds me, “the hardest thing for an addict to do, is NOTHING!”
a bit of a distraction was what was needed and being done with chasing rabbits, i think i can now proceed to the conclusion.
more and more i am seeing stuff, behavior and just plain stupidity in others that i was once so fond of in myself. more and more, the distaste i feel is not for them and their behaviors but for me. i am jealous that they can act so whatever and be ignorant to the consequences, and i have lost that freedom. i am a victim of active recovery :)!
well, not really, but this accepting that there are consequences for everything i do, including step work and living the principles of the program to the best of my ability, is part of a process i am mostly clueless about on a day to day basis. as much as i may want to make it so, 1 = 1 ≠ 3. instead of feeling like a victim, i think i will move forward into the idea that i CHOOSE this life. i CHOOSE to recover and most importantly i CHOOSE to accept life without the comfortable numbness afforded to me by the use of…
anyhow, the time has come to head on out and get my Saturday rolling. it is a good day to be in recovery and if my friend calls, i more than likely will see what he wants and do what i feel that i can. he is after all, desperate to get out of the situation he himself created and i will listen to him whine and be as supportive as i can. i will also let him know what he did was NOT acceptable, after all today is about me as well as them.

∞ DT ∞