Blog entry for:

as it is! ah, the joy of having someone to compare and contrast with, is amazing. reading after reading, takes me to one or more of my peers or former peers, with a laser beam insight to their behavior. the only down side to this, is that of course, like all light, that laser beam is reflected directly back at me. i GET to see then, how this notion applies to me, in every sense of the word.
one of the themes i have been hearing lately, especially at the meeting last night, was expecting others to behave in a certain manner, based upon HOW I WOULD DO SO! arghhhhh, i mean seriously? i get that behavior in a newcomer. i get that behavior in my friend and once upon a time sponsee, and yet, i get myself caught in the same trap. oh i dress it up by NOT saying “if our roles were reversed,” but, i am doing the exact same thing. i say well a ”reasonable person might…” nicely disguised expectations of how others behave and react are still expectations, and certainly not accepting life on its own term. more and more, i am catching myself, obfuscating expectations, rationalizations and justifications under a pile of semantically slippery terms, not all that much different than carefully presenting the truth to lie. once again, i find myself hiding what i find is unacceptable with me and my life under a pile of cow dung, hoping that no one will notice. well fortunately, i am beginning to notice and it is certainly because of the frustration i feel over the behavior, attitudes and belief system of my former sponsee. each and every time he opens his mouth, i start running down a hall of fear and uncertainty, because now i am sure that once again, he will pinpoint one of my character defects that i thought were long gone and forgotten, such as expecting others to behave in a manner that i find totally acceptable all of the time.
where am i going with this? well i could continue to beat myself up, as i am wont to do or i can take this insight and move forward with my day. today, i can see that everything i find unacceptable in my life is the result of unmet expectations. of course the NRA is going to blame the victims for the shooting in Charleston, as uncontrolled personal weapons is their bread and butter. of course the FBI is going to call it a hate crime and not terrorism, because it did not strike at any part of the military-industrial complex, it was after all just less than a dozen “black folks,” no one with any power, or political muscle and certainly a nice distraction from figuring out who REALLY broke into the Office of Personnel Management and why the fVck those systems were not locked down to the outside, i mean a REAL crime, instead of the manufactured home brew terrorism cases they have been concocting to keep themselves relevant.
well i was going to go on and on, after all i could cull at least fifty more ways my government, which is here to protect me from all enemies, foreign and domestic, fails to provide any sense of security beyond the window dressing theater of fear-mongering scare tactics. where i am going with this, is here: the examples of MY unmet expectations cause a rise in blood pressure and an opening of the floodgates of venomous spew, so why should i expect anything different from my former sponsee when i fail to meet his? after all, we are not all that much different at all. i have expectations, that i disguise under the bushel of spiritual camouflage i manufacture, he is just not as well-versed at it, as i am.
so time to wrap this up and see if i can walk through my name, letting go of my self-obsessive expectations and accept life as it ends up being. it is after all a great day to be on this side of the grass and clean today.

∞ DT ∞