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once i do this, i no longer find it necessary to use drugs to change my perceptions. it has been quite a busy past few days, in fact, my normal response to the amount of hours i have put in, would be to run and hide in a silly computer game for the next four days. i could do that, BUT there are folks clamoring at my door for me to do some work. instead of burying my head in the details of a game i am struggling to get better at, i think i will face the reality of my situation and pump out what needs to be done.
the topic this morning has a few layers in it for me, and although there was a lot there i had difficulty zeroing in on one theme in my quiet time. i was all over the place as this blog shows. my desire to run away from what i NEED to do is not that much different for the relief from reality i sought in the comfortable numbness of my using days. relief was just a whatever away, and i excused myself from reality on a daily basis. so it is no wonder that after a disastrous Saturday, and a busy Sunday and Monday, pounding my life away in front of a keyboard, that Tuesday i do not want to do any work at all. in fact, i want to shut off my e-mail and phone and disappear into the unreality of whatever i can that does not involve using drugs. this is certainly a symptom that addiction is still alive and well in me, and that if i do not address it head on, i may not like the consequences. those consequences may include in the long run, a desire to once again partake in chemically induced escapes from reality.
so on the hopeful side, i do not see a bit of work as really that heinous of an alternative. it is the end of the month, and i can always use the extra bucks in my bank account. more importantly i have agreed to get some stuff done, and part of who i am these days, is a man of my word, at least most of the time. the reality of my life is far from the nightmare it seemed like in active addiction. quite honestly, if i pound out what needs to be pounded out this morning, i can have some down time this afternoon. it really is that simple, do the next right thing, which is a workout, then a shower, then finish what i have agreed to finish today, and then take some time for myself. a full day and one where my expectations focus on getting a bit of time for myself. the consequences of these decisions will more than likely lead to the fulfillment of that expectation. so it is off to the streets and into my day i go.

∞ DT ∞