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i find myself confronted directly with life on its own terms. i had to do a major alteration this morning, as i really did not want to write about the days way back when i first got clean, besides, avoiding life by using, IS ADDICTION and i am way past the drugs part. i will say this, IF i had never left the lobby of that hotel and took the STEPS into a life of recovery, all of this would have remained a mystery to me, and one that i would not have explored very deeply. after all, REALITY IS FOR THOSE SAPS WHO CANNOT HANDLE…
so today i get -- that whether it is drugs, tobacco, sex, gambling or adrenalin, the desired effect is always the same, avoiding what i am feeling, ignoring the reality of life and stuffing the feelings that arise from a continual stream of my unmet expectations. the only difference is what i can and cannot do and remain socially acceptable in my recovery community.
a quick or perhaps not so quick update on the continuing saga through the FOURTH STEP. i wrote again last night, but my emotional avoidance tactics were on high the past few days, and as i listened this morning, i know that i NEED to go revise that work tonight, BUMMER DUDE! well not so much revise, as that will remain part of my permanent record, but certainly redo and expand. i know that last night i just went through the motions, salve my guilty conscience. just so i could say today, that i was continuing my nightly practice of step work. perhaps it was exactly what i needed to write last night and when i write tonight, i will discover that it was a good entry point into the topic of my feelings.
taking a moment to pause, i realize how full my life is these days, and that can also be a trap to avoid feeling what life is giving me and dealing with it ion the here and now. i have used “filling my life up with activity” as the means to avoid living in the past and am, quite familiar with how that goes and best of all, how well it works. the best part? i GET to be socially acceptable and use at the same time, NICE WORK WHEN I CAN GET IT! it is an interesting place for me to be going, although right here and right now, if i am doing anything to excess, i would have to say it is work, but i can certainly see that slipping into a way to avoid life as well. and talk about making me look good! all the benefits and none of the ugly consequences.
back to the topic at hand -- accepting life as it is -- is an activity i can try and do to the best of my ability today. reality? drive to work, hang with the significant other's family and be present for what it is i am feeling as i walk through today. more than that? well we will see, i am after all only…

∞ DT ∞