Blog entry for:

program of recovery at home, is putting my words into practice. i feel a bit sad this morning, as this could have been the second anniversary of the clean date of one my friends. although, knowing what i know now, that is probably a stretch. nevertheless, i wonder why some of us enter the program in the direst of circumstances and continue to burn our lives down. i get that getting clean is tough, it was the hardest six months of my life. i get that finding a place in the fellowship is also a tough path to travel, it was another twelve months before i finally began to find that connection. as i sit here this morning, pondering weather or not i am driving into the office, i am struck by how fortunate i am, that i finally came to terms with what i NEEDED in my life. so as i sit here trying to see a department store card balance, i guess i have made the decision not to drive in and the way i feel right now, after not getting anything accomplished with my credit card, it certainly is a good thing. of course my work computer cannot find the VPN, so for me it is one frustration after another this morning. breathe, let go and start again.
which was exactly what i needed to do. still no work computer up, still not able to attach my credit card to my profile, but i am okay and moving forward.
so now my credit card is linked to my department store account, the first 12 inches of snow have been removed from my driveway and front walk, and i have gotten the clue i needed to fix a problem i had yesterday at work, so all in all, it must be time to take a shower and get some coffee.
or better still, finally get down to bidness and speak about working my program at home, as well as out in the real world. i was fortunate that by the time i got clean, i had shed all my relationships, save for my birth family, so i had no wife and children to deal with and try to balance their needs against mine. yes, that was a sorry state of affairs, i traded my ability to love and be loved, care and be cared for, for a quick fix and after a while, i hardly even noticed what i was missing. i saw it as being a free spirit and freedom from attachments allowed me to do whatever the fVck i wanted to do. unfortunately what i wanted to do is get high, watch TV and isolate most of the time in my room. in the end, that freedom, as it were, allowed me to put all my efforts into my recovery program, even before i was willing to have a recovery program, and it brings me up today.
ah today, i have l;earned or better put relearned how to love and be loved, how to care and be cared for and i have more relationships in my life than i ever thought was possible for me. in fact, more and more of my recovery program is leaking over into the world outside of the rooms, and i wonder exactly what there is left for me to uncover. with the amount of energy i have started to put into making my amends to myself, i am not sure what will be revealed when i finally have the inspiration i need to move into my next round of steps.
just for today, i think i will keep bringing home my recovery as well as the bacon!

∞ DT ∞